I've never been a fan of change.
Because change means deviating further from familiarity, stepping outside one's comfort zone and risking exposure to potential negative feelings, people or events. In addition, with my high level of neurotism and perfectionist attitude, it is no wonder I've been resisting change for most parts of my life.
Don't get me wrong, there are many positive changes that I look forward to. For example meeting new people, exploring new locations or picking up a new skill. But for most major changes, I hate uncertainty. Perhaps it's an inculcated habit or a trait of mine to want a certain amount of control over things involving myself, particularly my mental welfare or feelings. I spoke to wanping recently, and she told me something I already knew but was just too in denial to face up to - we've changed. I've changed.
And the best yet ironically worst part of the matter is, it wasn't because of ourselves. It was because of other people. New people that entered my life caused me to change. They didn't literally hold me at gunpoint and insist I modify certain parts of myself but being in a different social environment led me to alter certain parts of myself to fit the group's norms. This social metamorphosis is pretty common and some might even coin it was being adaptive and flexible to contextual differences.
The problems comes in when I realise this is the first time my change isn't in my control. I can't control how I react to certain things. How I feel about certain people. I can't control how good or bad I feel about myself. I can't control blocking out negativity from people I care about.
It all started on the first date.
When I was younger and witnessed people going through emotional turmoils over a guy/girl, I thought them stupid. How could one not possess a level of control within oneself to prevent one's feelings from going awry? Why couldn't they just block out the negativity and hurt and not let it affect themselves? How could people get into depression over affaires of the heart? Well I can say that I find myself unable to answer these questions as I fall into my own conundrum.
It's changed. The situation has changed and now it's something entirely new. I have to kick my old perfectionist attitude. I can't expect to control everything and everyone and get mad when things don't go according to plan, like I do in the past. I have to control forming my own ideal situations and how things should go, because these expectations kill me. I have to let go of my high expectations and just go with the flow. They are only human, and I can't expect my fairytale story like how I've always wished for. That's not to say that a childhood dream can no longer exist, it just exists in a different form. A realistic form. I have to learn to be adaptive, to care more. I can't expect to be treated like a princess, like I was in the past. Even disney princesses have their downfalls when they have to be independent and rise to the occasion. They typically do so during their coming of age, and someone is about to come of age when she turns an adult this year. It was really nice being pampered and loved and showered with attention and gifts, but I have to be ok with these potentially being absent from my life. And it'll be ok. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be fine.
It's time to change. Time to leave neverland behind.
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