And straight on 'til morning

I've never been a fan of change.

Because change means deviating further from familiarity, stepping outside one's comfort zone and risking exposure to potential negative feelings, people or events. In addition, with my high level of neurotism and perfectionist attitude, it is no wonder I've been resisting change for most parts of my life.

Don't get me wrong, there are many positive changes that I look forward to. For example meeting new people, exploring new locations or picking up a new skill. But for most major changes, I hate uncertainty. Perhaps it's an inculcated habit or a trait of mine to want a certain amount of control over things involving myself, particularly my mental welfare or feelings. I spoke to wanping recently, and she told me something I already knew but was just too in denial to face up to - we've changed. I've changed.

And the best yet ironically worst part of the matter is, it wasn't because of ourselves. It was because of other people. New people that entered my life caused me to change. They didn't literally hold me at gunpoint and insist I modify certain parts of myself but being in a different social environment led me to alter certain parts of myself to fit the group's norms. This social metamorphosis is pretty common and some might even coin it was being adaptive and flexible to contextual differences.

The problems comes in when I realise this is the first time my change isn't in my control. I can't control how I react to certain things. How I feel about certain people. I can't control how good or bad I feel about myself. I can't control blocking out negativity from people I care about.

It all started on the first date.

When I was younger and witnessed people going through emotional turmoils over a guy/girl, I thought them stupid. How could one not possess a level of control within oneself to prevent one's feelings from going awry? Why couldn't they just block out the negativity and hurt and not let it affect themselves? How could people get into depression over affaires of the heart? Well I can say that I find myself unable to answer these questions as I fall into my own conundrum.

It's changed. The situation has changed and now it's something entirely new. I have to kick my old perfectionist attitude. I can't expect to control everything and everyone and get mad when things don't go according to plan, like I do in the past. I have to control forming my own ideal situations and how things should go, because these expectations kill me. I have to let go of my high expectations and just go with the flow. They are only human, and I can't expect my fairytale story like how I've always wished for. That's not to say that a childhood dream can no longer exist, it just exists in a different form. A realistic form. I have to learn to be adaptive, to care more. I can't expect to be treated like a princess, like I was in the past. Even disney princesses have their downfalls when they have to be independent and rise to the occasion. They typically do so during their coming of age, and someone is about to come of age when she turns an adult this year. It was really nice being pampered and loved and showered with attention and gifts, but I have to be ok with these potentially being absent from my life. And it'll be ok. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be fine.

It's time to change. Time to leave neverland behind.

Hurricane

hurricane

ˈhʌrɪk(ə)n,-keɪn/

noun

1. a storm with a violent wind, in particular a tropical cyclone in the Caribbean.

Life's not that tough. At least, it's not supposed to be. Yet this doesn't deter the amount of grief one feels about their own life, how they look at problems and magnify their impact. In psychology there are various theories surfacing to analyze and pinpoint exactly where it was that went 'wrong'. But that's not the point, not now.

'To err is human'. Homo sapiens think themselves to be the most evolved and intelligent species on the planet - a discrimination known as 'specism'. Yet despite all our intelligence and ability to rationalise information, we err. And arguably, we err more so than any other species on the planet. There's something about the animal kingdom that makes justice prevalent. Animals adapt through natural selection; the weaker organisms evolve scales and camouflaging abilities, while the stronger ones adopt keener vision and more formidable preying abilities. As the church and determinists may argue, everything happens for a reason and the world will maintain equilibrium.

Why do humans defer in that aspect? It may seem controversial, but personally I believe that the world's fairness will prevail. Human beings may have been blessed to be more evolved mentally than any other species, but we have also been cursed with compassion, rationality and regret. It's not to say that animals are some cruel, self-serving species, but humans are supposed to be the ones who have the ability to bring about changes, but sometimes these changes are not for the better. Such power comes with a heavy price to pay, and one might argue that one might be happier being born a rodent or a chimpanzee, something without the onerous burden of experiencing such emotions.

Control. Control is quintessential in everything we do, every decision we make. That's something that once we learn, we achieve some sort of nirvana-like spiritual experience. Gaining control over our emotions, gaining control over one's efficacy, that's real power. And that will become the only power that can control you. Everything will be in your hands. Our problems aren't real problems, they're perceived to be problems. Perception comes from the mind, which even though it ironically belongs to us, we can't control it's every thought. Should we be able to, personal problems will no longer surface. Self-esteem issues, depression, and self-pity will be eradicated in our lives. 

Most of us beings who lack the fortune to gain such self control find ourselves tossed into the tumultuous winds of life, being exposed to things perceived to be obstacles and problems. Sometimes we are lucky and manage to find our way in the blurry fog that mired our vision, while others struggle to find one beam of light amongst the haze. It's not easy, and definitely sometimes we reevaluate whether seeking the answer is the right thing to do. Sometimes we wonder if it's better to hold onto things for sentiment, or let them go for progress. Then comes the debate over tradition vs  innovation, but that's a topic for another day.

Whenever I find myself face to face with difficulties, I feel grateful for being a part of this species. For having the privilege to possess such strong emotions and thoughts that bring about this burden of decision making. Although sometimes I seriously consider trading this privilege to become a goldfish, it's pretty neat to be human, and find beauty in this hurricane.