maybe I have this self-destructive innate tendency in me.
when I fear someone getting too close to me, the fear of losing them amplifies in magnitude compared to the joy of having them around.
and this fear is too overwhelming to me.
because no one is forever.
and where will that leave me when they eventually decide to move on?
I'll be a wreck.
I'll be a small ball of sobbing and whimpering.
A hot mess.
All curled up in the fetal position, displaying the vulnerability of a helpless child.
A pain that resonates throughout every fibre of my being; its threshold is exacerbated by more sadness.
It's a monster that feeds and grows upon your sadness.
It's youself (myself).
Distance.
That's how I've always thought to protect myself.
Isolation of one's emotions (Anna Freud's defence mechanism)
Maybe I have this sadistic nature of self-inflicted pain as pleasure
Maybe I'm just unwell
Or maybe I'm part of a new species that is sent to this planet to comprehend the multifaceted face of human emotions
Maybe I'm a behaviorist
Maybe I support determinism
Maybe I too often reach for my self-destruct button when agonised over my own induced fear of loss.
Maybe I'm the monster hiding in the closet; the monster creeping up from under my bed at night, the one that terrorises kids in the night
Maybe I'm the boogieman
Maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up from this nightmare I've designed
