Self-updating

It's the second week of school and it has been thoroughly exhausting waking up for morning lessons everyday :O zzz (my face when my alarm sounds and wakes me up from my lalaland)

I like being busy though. I like having a routine and being organised. It distracts me from the now, and when things get stagnant my imagination runs wild and I find myself drowning in a pool of insecurity and self-deprecation. Still can't come to terms with the fact that I'm now a year 3 psychology student. The past 2 years of learning has been fun, but I admit that I've been able to kinda slack off in class and still score well. Now year 3 is the make or break year. I attended the honors talk by one of the Australian professors and it's so competitive :O The amount of people getting accepted is only 50-60, with 8 of them being from Singapore this year. At this moment I really want to attend honors because it's gonna be an adventure and one of the things I yearn to do most since I was little, to study overseas. Everyone that went on exchanges had pleasant things to say about them, and I would want an opportunity to stand on my own feet in a foreign country and indulge in these learning experiences that seem to apply to every country. To meet new people, to taste new food and probably get into trouble.

But another part of me is pretty reluctant to go. Much of it stems from the fact that I'm in a stable relationship and I'm so afraid of what one year apart can do to us. Just the thought of leaving him for 9 days to Mexico City made me so sad. I cannot fathom how I can survive one year away. Maybe these insecurities will fade away with time.

Dance-wise. Production is coming and it's pretty fucked up. I shan't say much but it is. It basically should be the subjects of a learned helplessness experiment because it so much embodies every aspect of the psychology theory.

I'm going to volunteer at IMH this Saturday. My friend recommended me to the supervisor and I'm both nervous and excited about it. Hopefully helping other people will help me find some meaning in my life. God that sounded so hopelessly depressing. What I meant was that maybe it can provide some direction in what I'm meant to do to help people in the future.

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I have been doing some self reflection lately. 

These last few days/months, attribute it to mother nature's blessing of PMS or a lack of direction in my life, has been riddled with self serving questions. With that comes an overwhelming amount of insecurity of what the hell I'm doing with my life. 

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions or selecting my priorities correctly. But that's the beauty of life, it's filled with so many options and opportunities that come a'knocking on your front door that you never know if there is an ideal answer. One of my biggest personal obstacle is the inability to dissociate myself from the past. Everything that has happened from 18 September 1994 to this very day molded me to be the person I am today. And while I am still on the journey to figure out who this person is, I live in the past.

Episodes from years ago replay in my head and I can't get over certain paths I've taken but I'm glad I made those choices. 

This feeling of insecurity and uncertainty is shrouding me from enjoying what my peers my age are enjoying right now. I like being ahead of my peers and gaining an advantage to what this big scary infamous "real world" is like, but other times I just need to let my hair down and be totally irresponsible. 

Be young, impulsive, spend money on shoes, splurge on concerts, meet new people from all over the world, have unprotected sex, take joyrides, go to cafes, skinny dip, club hop, keep a diary of all my adventures like I used to.