like 2 pieces of a puzzle

maybe I have this self-destructive innate tendency in me.

when I fear someone getting too close to me, the fear of losing them amplifies in magnitude compared to the joy of having them around.

and this fear is too overwhelming to me.

because no one is forever.

and where will that leave me when they eventually decide to move on?




I'll be a wreck.
I'll be a small ball of sobbing and whimpering.
A hot mess.
All curled up in the fetal position, displaying the vulnerability of a helpless child.
A pain that resonates throughout every fibre of my being; its threshold is exacerbated by more sadness.
It's a monster that feeds and grows upon your sadness.
It's youself (myself).



Distance.


That's how I've always thought to protect myself.

Isolation of one's emotions (Anna Freud's defence mechanism)

Maybe I have this sadistic nature of self-inflicted pain as pleasure

Maybe I'm just unwell

Or maybe I'm part of a new species that is sent to this planet to comprehend the multifaceted face of human emotions

Maybe I'm a behaviorist

Maybe I support determinism






Maybe I too often reach for my self-destruct button when agonised over my own induced fear of loss.

Maybe I'm the monster hiding in the closet; the monster creeping up from under my bed at night, the one that terrorises kids in the night

Maybe I'm the boogieman





Maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up from this nightmare I've designed

Monster

I'm friends with the monster

That's under my bed

Get along with the voices inside of my head

You're trying to save me

Stop holding your breath

And you think I'm crazy

Why don't you be the artist

And make me out of clay

Why don't you be the writer

And decide the words I say

'Cause I'd rather pretend

I'll still be there at the end

Only it's too hard to ask

Won't you try to help me

I've never been one to make sacrifices. All my life I've been lucky enough to be on the receiving end, with people willing to accommodate and make adjustments in their lives for me. And I thank them. I thank you.

This is probably the first person I'm making conscious effort to tweak little parts of my life for, changing what I can to make the other party feel better. That's probably a sacrifice, at least in my books. This new and foreign action brings about feelings I've never experienced. On one end I feel pride in myself, being all Mother Theresa ish and making changes for people (although in no way as patriotic nor martyr-like as her). On the other I feel this weird feeling of dissatisfaction looming within me.

It feels odd, peculiar and somewhat strange, this feeling. I haven't quite begun to comprehend why I'm feeling this way. And it bugs me. You can bet it irks me to no end, unable to pinpoint the reason for my frustration. A part of me is telling me to stop giving in, to halt this foreign behavior. Is it worth it

I feel like I'm going to explode at any moment. And nothing I've thought of can quench this impending feeling. Maybe there are too many changes going on. Maybe I can't cope with it all. Maybe that's why, for the past 6 months, I've been clinging onto the familiar. Because there's always comfort in the familiarity; and right now I'm right smack outside of my comfort zone.

And straight on 'til morning

I've never been a fan of change.

Because change means deviating further from familiarity, stepping outside one's comfort zone and risking exposure to potential negative feelings, people or events. In addition, with my high level of neurotism and perfectionist attitude, it is no wonder I've been resisting change for most parts of my life.

Don't get me wrong, there are many positive changes that I look forward to. For example meeting new people, exploring new locations or picking up a new skill. But for most major changes, I hate uncertainty. Perhaps it's an inculcated habit or a trait of mine to want a certain amount of control over things involving myself, particularly my mental welfare or feelings. I spoke to wanping recently, and she told me something I already knew but was just too in denial to face up to - we've changed. I've changed.

And the best yet ironically worst part of the matter is, it wasn't because of ourselves. It was because of other people. New people that entered my life caused me to change. They didn't literally hold me at gunpoint and insist I modify certain parts of myself but being in a different social environment led me to alter certain parts of myself to fit the group's norms. This social metamorphosis is pretty common and some might even coin it was being adaptive and flexible to contextual differences.

The problems comes in when I realise this is the first time my change isn't in my control. I can't control how I react to certain things. How I feel about certain people. I can't control how good or bad I feel about myself. I can't control blocking out negativity from people I care about.

It all started on the first date.

When I was younger and witnessed people going through emotional turmoils over a guy/girl, I thought them stupid. How could one not possess a level of control within oneself to prevent one's feelings from going awry? Why couldn't they just block out the negativity and hurt and not let it affect themselves? How could people get into depression over affaires of the heart? Well I can say that I find myself unable to answer these questions as I fall into my own conundrum.

It's changed. The situation has changed and now it's something entirely new. I have to kick my old perfectionist attitude. I can't expect to control everything and everyone and get mad when things don't go according to plan, like I do in the past. I have to control forming my own ideal situations and how things should go, because these expectations kill me. I have to let go of my high expectations and just go with the flow. They are only human, and I can't expect my fairytale story like how I've always wished for. That's not to say that a childhood dream can no longer exist, it just exists in a different form. A realistic form. I have to learn to be adaptive, to care more. I can't expect to be treated like a princess, like I was in the past. Even disney princesses have their downfalls when they have to be independent and rise to the occasion. They typically do so during their coming of age, and someone is about to come of age when she turns an adult this year. It was really nice being pampered and loved and showered with attention and gifts, but I have to be ok with these potentially being absent from my life. And it'll be ok. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be fine.

It's time to change. Time to leave neverland behind.

Hurricane

hurricane

ˈhʌrɪk(ə)n,-keɪn/

noun

1. a storm with a violent wind, in particular a tropical cyclone in the Caribbean.

Life's not that tough. At least, it's not supposed to be. Yet this doesn't deter the amount of grief one feels about their own life, how they look at problems and magnify their impact. In psychology there are various theories surfacing to analyze and pinpoint exactly where it was that went 'wrong'. But that's not the point, not now.

'To err is human'. Homo sapiens think themselves to be the most evolved and intelligent species on the planet - a discrimination known as 'specism'. Yet despite all our intelligence and ability to rationalise information, we err. And arguably, we err more so than any other species on the planet. There's something about the animal kingdom that makes justice prevalent. Animals adapt through natural selection; the weaker organisms evolve scales and camouflaging abilities, while the stronger ones adopt keener vision and more formidable preying abilities. As the church and determinists may argue, everything happens for a reason and the world will maintain equilibrium.

Why do humans defer in that aspect? It may seem controversial, but personally I believe that the world's fairness will prevail. Human beings may have been blessed to be more evolved mentally than any other species, but we have also been cursed with compassion, rationality and regret. It's not to say that animals are some cruel, self-serving species, but humans are supposed to be the ones who have the ability to bring about changes, but sometimes these changes are not for the better. Such power comes with a heavy price to pay, and one might argue that one might be happier being born a rodent or a chimpanzee, something without the onerous burden of experiencing such emotions.

Control. Control is quintessential in everything we do, every decision we make. That's something that once we learn, we achieve some sort of nirvana-like spiritual experience. Gaining control over our emotions, gaining control over one's efficacy, that's real power. And that will become the only power that can control you. Everything will be in your hands. Our problems aren't real problems, they're perceived to be problems. Perception comes from the mind, which even though it ironically belongs to us, we can't control it's every thought. Should we be able to, personal problems will no longer surface. Self-esteem issues, depression, and self-pity will be eradicated in our lives. 

Most of us beings who lack the fortune to gain such self control find ourselves tossed into the tumultuous winds of life, being exposed to things perceived to be obstacles and problems. Sometimes we are lucky and manage to find our way in the blurry fog that mired our vision, while others struggle to find one beam of light amongst the haze. It's not easy, and definitely sometimes we reevaluate whether seeking the answer is the right thing to do. Sometimes we wonder if it's better to hold onto things for sentiment, or let them go for progress. Then comes the debate over tradition vs  innovation, but that's a topic for another day.

Whenever I find myself face to face with difficulties, I feel grateful for being a part of this species. For having the privilege to possess such strong emotions and thoughts that bring about this burden of decision making. Although sometimes I seriously consider trading this privilege to become a goldfish, it's pretty neat to be human, and find beauty in this hurricane.

Our 'Dear John' story

I met you at a tough period of my life. It was the period after the release of A Level results, and I was dealing with the disappointment of being unable to get into local universities. I was 18 then, having little experience in many things. We first met sometime in March, when we were supposed to be on the same organising committee for an external event. I was late for the meeting, and running in I saw a new face in the group, meekly sitting next to Melvin. You were quiet, shy, passive, everything that I wouldn't give a second look to. I heard that you were a dancer, and that intrigued me a bit, but I just brushed it off since you were so quiet.

Then came the day before the event, and the committee and I were headed to a club to support a mutual friend performing there that night. And by fate's grace, you were there. You were alone, to support the same friend. It was my first time clubbing, and I felt so socially awkward. I don't drink much, and neither did you. That was the night we first talked. Yelling over the bellowing music to hear each other, I could tell that you were pretty shy, but there was something that drew me to you. Something that made me feel that I had to talk to you. That was the first night I saw you dance, and I was admittedly impressed by your dance skills. When we were going home, and you told me to get home safely. That night you added me on facebook and we talked briefly. 

The next day my friends were teasing us regarding the previous night. Your item was the last one and you didn't have to arrive so early, but you did so you could see me before that. You talked to me and we spent the event sitting next to each other backstage, watching the performances. After the event you left but still messaged me. My friends told me to invite you to join us for supper. You were heading to a friend's birthday party and I told them you probably wouldn't ditch him to join a group of people you hardly knew but they told me to ask so I did anyway. And to my astonishment, you came. 

Gradually, we exchanged numbers and texted religiously over weeks. When I woke up I would excitedly look at my phone for your good morning messages, and we would constantly text throughout the whole day until we both had to turn in. 

I love that. I love that you opened up to me. You, a quiet and passive boy, told me things you never would have told anyone. You confided in me and put yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position because 'I mean(t) that much to you'. I've seen you at your best and worst, from how happy you are when our chocolate lava cake turned out right to how devastated you were when we nearly broke up. Before we were together, I love that you would constantly text me throughout the day even though you don't usually text. But it was ok for you, because I love texting and you would go out of your way even when you were on your NS duty just to make me happy. I love that even though you can't think of questions for my friendship test that you would crack your head over it, think about it in your own time, and ask me questions because I like getting to know people that way. You stepped out of your comfort zone for me, and I love that you care enough to do so.

We were out one day and I casually pointed out the fact that a particular cartoon on a notebook looked like me. It was a very insignificant remark but the next day we met you went all the way down to that same shop to buy it for me because it looked like something I would like. You knew what I liked to eat and specifically brought me to eat those food because you wanted to see me happy. Even when I was angry at you for throwing tantrums, you would calm me down and hug me. You're probably the only guy that will wipe my tears away while I'm scolding you for something minor. You've never gotten angry at me, you always look at things so positively because I overthink things, and someone has to be rational in the relationship. You go out of your way to buy me things I like to see me happy. 

I get upset over the simplest of things - when one minor detail in a plan doesn't go my way I get affected and sad over it. You'll always help me look on the brighter side of things, even though I sometimes attribute them as your fault. You'll watch disney cartoons with me because they're my favourite. You'll play english songs instead of korean songs because I like listening to english songs. You've always given in to me and pampered me, showering me with love and affection. You've never lost your temper at me, even when I've said things that broke your heart. You'll meet me after your 13hour shift despite being fatigue. You'll think long and hard, researching for presents to give me because gift-giving is important to me. And even when I wasn't happy with them, you would appease me as much as you can. You would buy me eclipse because I like them and I can't stand not eating mints after meals. You would earnestly listen to all my stories even though sometimes I cut you off when you're talking. You wouldn't even look at another girl's direction, you're that loyal and faithful. You don't drink or club with your friends, even though I do. You never got mad at me for that, and instead constantly text me to make sure I'm alright and in good hands. You would still text me long messages when I'm sleeping, just so I can read them when I wake up and have a smile on my face.

You're making life decisions while thinking of me. You hesitate considering opportunities that involve overseas travel even though I know that what you want to experience, just because I might be in Singapore and you don't want to be apart from me. You listen to me go on about what I learn about, even if they aren't your interests. You help edit and give feedback for my assignments just so I can get a better grade, because you know how much good grades mean to me. Despite being socially awkward at times, you reach out to my siblings who mean a lot to me. You'll initiate taking them out on outings and even pay for them.

You've never burdened me with your problems, and I tell you all of mine. You tolerate with me spending time with my guy friends even though it makes you feel insecure. You genuinely love every part of me, always making decisions in my best interests and making sure I feel happy, even if it's at the expense of your own happiness. When I complain about the staleness in our relationship, instead of getting upset about it, you think of solutions how we might improve. You take a real interest in my life and want to be a significant part of it, as I am a significant part of yours. You trust me with all your heart and soul, and I've hurt you.

When my friends tell me that 'I deserve better', it's wrong because you deserve to be treated so much better than I treat you. My first proper relationship and I've mucked about so much. You treat me like a princess and I didn't return the favour. Before I met you I've never wanted to settle down and commit to one person, but you gave me enough security and love to want to do that. I've never believed in forever until I met you, and it's unfair that even though it might have changed; in a point in time, you meant the whole world to me. 

To the love of my life, whoever and wherever he may be

I see you. I see your silhouette from the corner of my eye, as I sit next to you in the passenger seat. We're driving around an empty road in a red convertible, with the top down. My left arm is rested on the door of the car, with my right fingers tapping to the beat of my music blasting from the stereo. We're singing, harmonising together to the tunes of Katy Perry's 'The One That Got Away'. You tease me for being off-key, and I call you an idiot. I glanced at you. Your hair is blowing in the wind, your brown locks dancing like seaweed in water. A pair of Gucci aviators rest on your nose. You're wearing a red raglan shirt, you did because I told you it looks attractive. A pair of acid-washed denim jeans donned you, with your favourite red Vans, because that's the only pair you wear despite owning 7 other pairs of sneakers.

Then the radio switched channels and Blue songs started playing. I love when it happens, listening to music and accidentally chancing upon songs you love. We start bellowing lyrics out, dropping any attempts at harmonising. I put both hands up and try to catch the wind. We're smiling and laughing and having the time of our lives. We didn't key a destination into the GPS.

"Let's be like Pocahontus and embrace the colours of the wind. Let's just get in the car and drive" you suggested. You've always had that sense of adventure. We can spend dates taking the train or bus to a random stop and exploring the area. We didn't have to do anything, nothing was planned. That completely goes against my scheduled and perfectionist nature, I like having an agenda and having activities concrete. But with you, I'll throw any form of scheduling away.

I thought about that and smiled as we continue driving. The road seemed endless, and I wondered if we drove any further we might fall off the edge of the earth. But it was ok, you were there with me. I catch a glimpse of you trying to find the exit of the road, we were perhaps going a little too out of bounds of the city. You didn't want me to worry about directions - which might as well be a good thing considering that my sense of direction is terrible. Whenever you let me lead the way (Captain Instruction of the road, as you'll call me), I feel this immense stress build up within me. You say that you like the way I frown as I peer over the map, scrutinising it and scanning for a way to get to our destination. You like the way I had to have a physical map, the GPS as well as google maps on my phone open just to get to a destination 10 min away. You like my perfectionist nature, how I analyse and think about things. Sometimes I overthink, sometimes I just get so absorbed in the fictional world I made up in my mind that feelings swallow me up and I break down. But it's ok, because you would be there. You won't be asking me to relax and not overthink, that's what friends do. You don't say anything. You'll drag me out of bed, select a baggy shirt and denim shirts from my wardrobe and make me change into it. You'll take me out of the house, and drive me to my favourite mall.

We'll have a competition there, choosing the ugliest and most ridiculous looking clothes and making each other wear them. You'll always put it on, saying with confidence that you can make anything look good. You'll burst out of the dressing room in a 1980s pose and start parading around the store. People will stare and I'll be having stitches from laughing too much. You were always so sporting, not caring about how others might find the things we do silly. Then we'll go home and you'll put me in bed with the latest big bang theory and running man episode on. You'll come into the room with pasta and chrysanthemum tea on the tray, which you secretly packed from a restaurant just now but passed it off as your own because you can't cook. But it's ok, I can't either and we planned on learning together.

Then you'll get in bed with me and hug me really tightly because I like being held. Your arm is going numb but you still hold on. My head fits gently into your neck, and I can hear the sound of your heartbeat. It's slow and steady, a comforting rhythm that is like a lullaby to me. I feel secure and happy in your arms. I fall asleep and you kiss me gently on the forehead.

I smile like an idiot when I think of the memories we had. I like reminiscing, so we spend time talking and reflecting on our journey together. This wasn't just a relationship, it was an adventure. We've had ups and downs and emotional highs and lows. You made me feel a whole myriad of emotions, happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, wanderlust. But that's the beauty of it - the beauty of experiencing a whole spectrum of feelings and I've never felt more alive. Alive because that's the only state where you can be doing stupid things out of love and still have your sanity. Alive because that's when you can interact with people.Alive because you can only feel such strong emotions when you're truly living.

I gazed at the wishing bone dangling from the front mirror of the car. I gave that to you 4 months after we just met. I believe in shooting stars, dream catchers, wishing well, lucky charms and wishing bones. You smiled and said you did too. Although not justified in science, it's something that we provided a sense of wonder and mystic, and that's why we like them, we're romantics and children at heart.

Yes, I can see you. I can see every bit of your soul and your mind. We're transparent to each other, and we're ok with the vulnerability. I can see the side of your smile, that charming smile that caught my eye and my heart. I can see you, I can see the way you look at me, your eyes filled with love. I can see you, how you love life and adventure. If I fast forward a few years, I can see you. Lovingly embedded in a wishing bone I haven't bought yet.