Within the blink of an eye, there's only 1.5 more months till 2017. 2016 has flew past immensely fast. Since my graduation from university in May, things have been super hectic.
I finished my 5+ month internship with E_ School. It's a special needs school for children with autism between the ages of 7-18. It was probably the most memorable job I ever had. I've always loved teaching, and always loved children. Initially, it was a bit of a culture shock seeing everything I know about mainstream school transform before my eyes. Teachers had their recesses with their students, they sat in their classes and had to ask for permission for everything to teach them social skills. They learnt social interactions in class, followed a customised schedule that catered to their individual needs and were disciplined/taught by their teachers according to their interests. The teachers put such deep thought and effort into educating their students, and that really inspired me. The children are also the most loving, sweet and sensitive children I have ever encountered. A big part of dealing with moderate to severe autistic children is that they seldomly have the capacity to lie. This makes them take everything almost literally, one of the most endearing characteristics I love about them. They speak without filter, and their love for you is genuine. Seeing some of the children upset when I told them I was leaving deeply moved me. I know for sure that they will truly miss me, the way I will miss them dearly. I have learnt so much from my time here. I learnt to be flexible, disciplined, observant and adaptable. I learnt how to specially connected with each unique individual, to help them in the ways I can and to see their growth. I teared during the AGC, seeing the students graduate and the others move up a level. It's only been 3 days since I stopped work but I already miss them terribly. I might go back there to work after my honours.
I myself am a rather rigid person. I don't deal well with major changes and hate hate haaaaate a lack of structure. Ever since graduating, structure has hardly been present in my life. The sky's the limit and the world is your oyster. Anything is possible now, but I start to question what I really want. I have always been a planner, an avid one at that. I planned to go for honours in uow, to come back to singapore and do masters in clinical psychology at either jcu or nus. To work in a psychology clinic, get married, have children and start lecturing part time in sim. After what I have experienced in E_, I struggle to find what I wanted to be what I really want. It's gonna take me a while to figure it out. But I have always had.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Saturday, October 8, 2016
October Reflections
Today is one of the rare days I have nothing on. It's been a very long time (apart from the 2 days I was on MC because I was sick) that I can just relax at home with no agenda. Watched HTGAWM and the new episodes of Criminal Minds' 12th season. I had been a huge fan of CM for about 2 years and have always felt a personal connection to the characters of the shows I watch. Aaron Hotchner, the lead character of the profiling team has been fired due to an altercation with one of the crew members and he has been written off. It was really sad because when other characters leave the show, they dedicate an emotional episode to that person to help the viewers and the team gain closure. I always cry at those episodes because I feel like a dear friend of mine that I've known for a long time is leaving my life. But with Hotchner, they wrote him off without even acknowledging his departure. I guess it must be pretty crappy for the actor himself, being such a icon of CM.
I guess the difference between Hotchner's departure and the rest was that the former was fired while the rest left on their own accord to pursue other things. It gave me a revelation that everything you do at work, no matter how trivial you regard it to be, really can have a huge impact on how others view you as a person. I mean, that's something that is pretty common knowledge, but we don't really see the greater repercussions of it until we experience it for ourselves. When I work I have a rather lassez-faire attitude towards it, especially when I'm working at an intern level. Since interns hardly get any work benefits, good pay or recognition, I've never been one to really give it my all. My current internship though, I do give my all. Maybe I've matured, maybe I've found the job to be something that suits my calling, I can't seem to quite put my finger on it. A recent talk with my bf about work attitudes really inspired me to give it my all in everything I do, no matter how insignificant it might be with regards to helping me in my career. I have to be more mindful in keeping this in the back of my mind, especially because one of my biggest fears is to not hold down a job like my father hasn't been able to do. I really worry if I'll be as terrible a worker as I have been led to think that he is.
Some people say we are a reflection of our parents. I do agree to this to some extent, I just hope that I'll be able to gain their strengths and overcome their weaknesses. I get the trait of being easily affected by my external surroundings and brooding over the past from my mother. While it has helped me be more understanding and empathetic towards people, a skill necessary in my industry, I do hope that I can learn to let go of things and become more emotionally independent. The past 3.5 years have been such huge learning curves for me. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing a lot more, meeting new people or just part of my development period. There are so many thoughts clouding my mind everyday that it's difficult to truly pinpoint what's happening to my emotional and mental development despite the constant self reflection. But it's an incredible learning journey and I can feel myself getting better everyday. Although certain parts of the day make me feel down or insecure, I take comfort in knowing that I can only get better.
One of the most comforting and empowering mantras I've been thought during the period of my life I thought all hope was lost, "Everyday in every way, I'm getting better and better."
To anyone feeling somewhat lost in their journey, and to anyone who wishes to improve yourself, chant this mantra to yourself 10 times before you sleep. It might appear silly, but boy does it sure work. Just have faith.
I guess the difference between Hotchner's departure and the rest was that the former was fired while the rest left on their own accord to pursue other things. It gave me a revelation that everything you do at work, no matter how trivial you regard it to be, really can have a huge impact on how others view you as a person. I mean, that's something that is pretty common knowledge, but we don't really see the greater repercussions of it until we experience it for ourselves. When I work I have a rather lassez-faire attitude towards it, especially when I'm working at an intern level. Since interns hardly get any work benefits, good pay or recognition, I've never been one to really give it my all. My current internship though, I do give my all. Maybe I've matured, maybe I've found the job to be something that suits my calling, I can't seem to quite put my finger on it. A recent talk with my bf about work attitudes really inspired me to give it my all in everything I do, no matter how insignificant it might be with regards to helping me in my career. I have to be more mindful in keeping this in the back of my mind, especially because one of my biggest fears is to not hold down a job like my father hasn't been able to do. I really worry if I'll be as terrible a worker as I have been led to think that he is.
Some people say we are a reflection of our parents. I do agree to this to some extent, I just hope that I'll be able to gain their strengths and overcome their weaknesses. I get the trait of being easily affected by my external surroundings and brooding over the past from my mother. While it has helped me be more understanding and empathetic towards people, a skill necessary in my industry, I do hope that I can learn to let go of things and become more emotionally independent. The past 3.5 years have been such huge learning curves for me. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing a lot more, meeting new people or just part of my development period. There are so many thoughts clouding my mind everyday that it's difficult to truly pinpoint what's happening to my emotional and mental development despite the constant self reflection. But it's an incredible learning journey and I can feel myself getting better everyday. Although certain parts of the day make me feel down or insecure, I take comfort in knowing that I can only get better.
One of the most comforting and empowering mantras I've been thought during the period of my life I thought all hope was lost, "Everyday in every way, I'm getting better and better."
To anyone feeling somewhat lost in their journey, and to anyone who wishes to improve yourself, chant this mantra to yourself 10 times before you sleep. It might appear silly, but boy does it sure work. Just have faith.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Catch-up
Last time I blogged was almost 3 months ago. Time has been moving so fast now with me working 2 jobs and trying desperately to get my shit together. I once came across a triad of life, which allowed people to choose between 2 of the 3 benefits. You either have rest and social life, but no work; or work and rest but no social life, or the last one - what I'm currently going through - work and social life but no rest.
I can kinda feel my health deteriorating due to my hectic schedule. Work takes up so much time but I really love what I'm doing. Working with special needs children has always been my interest, and paired with teaching which is what I loved since I started tutoring. The prospect of working at my current workplace full time is very tempting, It has almost everything I look for in a career - great colleagues, working with children, teaching, and special needs. Every class I take leaves a sense of fulfillment in me and I enjoy the students, no matter how tiring or trying it can be working with special needs kids. But I have a greater goal I want to meet. I want to further my studies and become both a clinical psychologist to help more people and an academia. Rethinking my whole career prospect now.
I can kinda feel my health deteriorating due to my hectic schedule. Work takes up so much time but I really love what I'm doing. Working with special needs children has always been my interest, and paired with teaching which is what I loved since I started tutoring. The prospect of working at my current workplace full time is very tempting, It has almost everything I look for in a career - great colleagues, working with children, teaching, and special needs. Every class I take leaves a sense of fulfillment in me and I enjoy the students, no matter how tiring or trying it can be working with special needs kids. But I have a greater goal I want to meet. I want to further my studies and become both a clinical psychologist to help more people and an academia. Rethinking my whole career prospect now.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Blessed
A few months ago, I was so ecstatic with the prospect of going overseas to study. Finally, one of my lifelong dreams since primary school was going to be fulfilled. But recent events have made that prospect dull. It is a pretty big burden financially.
Fast forward in time and I am so blessed to have the support of my family. They wholeheartedly put a lot on the line for me to be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a psychologist. And I am so lucky to find someone who unconditionally loves and cherishes me as a person. Present circumstances have opened my eyes to these, and reminded me to discard all the negativity and doubts I may have towards anyone currently in and out of my life. To leave the past where it belongs and relinquish any undesirable thoughts and emotions I might have. I used to think that I couldn't let go of negative thoughts because they were my punishment for the wrongs I have done to that person. As silly as it may sound, it did leave a trail in my life. But now I know better.
I'm so thankful for everyone currently in my life. The support I receive makes the unknown road ahead less daunting for me. How lucky am I to have wonderful people come my way, presenting themselves when I least expect it. Borrowing a quote from someone I thought touched me a lot, "I have not been blessed. I have been divinely favoured" :')
Friday, June 17, 2016
Holiday thoughts
One more week till I start work officially as an intern. And I'm sick. This 1.5months between the end of exams and start of internship flew by faster than I thought it would. I hope I'll be able to manage both internship and tutoring. As much as I want to just stop tutoring altogether, I still find it my responsibility to help my tutees until the end of the year.
Finally filled out my application form for honours. If all goes well, I'll be able to pursue my studies in Aussie. Leaving Singapore and everyone I love will be bitter sweet. So I have come to terms that in the event I do not qualify for honours, I'll still be happy here in Singapore.
Being sick and taking so many medications make me feel so drugged out. And for once my mind is more rested than ever. Controlling my impulses is so much easier too.
When I was younger I have always been a very transparent person. I don't hide who I am or what I think from others, so I was always easy to predict. Growing older made me realise that sometimes we need to hide what we think from others to save ourselves the agony of being judged. I don't really know how I feel about that, to be honest. On one hand I value transparency and genuineness in all relationships. But on the other there are just some things I wish I didn't know or hadn't divulged.
Haven't been particularly disciplined in achieving the goals I set for myself during this holidays. But I'm ok with it. Sometimes it just gets to tiring constantly striving to achieve something. Sometimes I just want a break to unwind before the storm hits again.
On the bright side, I have been able to catch up on some shows I've been meaning to. Once upon a time was one of my fav series to watch, simply because it entails fairy tales in a modern context, with crossovers between stories. The writers are so amazing, the way they weave intricate details and links between characters. Although I must say the show is kinda deteriorating.
Till next time.
Finally filled out my application form for honours. If all goes well, I'll be able to pursue my studies in Aussie. Leaving Singapore and everyone I love will be bitter sweet. So I have come to terms that in the event I do not qualify for honours, I'll still be happy here in Singapore.
Being sick and taking so many medications make me feel so drugged out. And for once my mind is more rested than ever. Controlling my impulses is so much easier too.
When I was younger I have always been a very transparent person. I don't hide who I am or what I think from others, so I was always easy to predict. Growing older made me realise that sometimes we need to hide what we think from others to save ourselves the agony of being judged. I don't really know how I feel about that, to be honest. On one hand I value transparency and genuineness in all relationships. But on the other there are just some things I wish I didn't know or hadn't divulged.
Haven't been particularly disciplined in achieving the goals I set for myself during this holidays. But I'm ok with it. Sometimes it just gets to tiring constantly striving to achieve something. Sometimes I just want a break to unwind before the storm hits again.
On the bright side, I have been able to catch up on some shows I've been meaning to. Once upon a time was one of my fav series to watch, simply because it entails fairy tales in a modern context, with crossovers between stories. The writers are so amazing, the way they weave intricate details and links between characters. Although I must say the show is kinda deteriorating.
Till next time.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Self-Actualization
Self actualization is the realization or fulfilment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.
I have always felt that the biggest hindrance in my path towards self actualization is my fear of control and risk-taking. This is something that I've mentioned numerous times in previous posts, Today a close friend confided in me about a situation she was facing. She is someone who I've sort of grown up with, had our fair share of tiffs and seen emotionally vulnerable. We share similar features in that we are both over thinkers and tend to take things a bit too personally.
So listening to her situation, I saw how she reacted in the same way I would have reacted if the same thing happened to me. But because I was an impartial third party, I managed to view how destructive my way of thinking was. Giving her advice really helped open my eyes to how I need to stop taking things personally and feeling entitled to things from other people. It only leads to detrimental feelings between people and self-inflicted emotional wounds.
And to my friend who might happen to see this, this isn't a personal attack on your situation; just a reflection of what I learnt from it.
I have always felt that the biggest hindrance in my path towards self actualization is my fear of control and risk-taking. This is something that I've mentioned numerous times in previous posts, Today a close friend confided in me about a situation she was facing. She is someone who I've sort of grown up with, had our fair share of tiffs and seen emotionally vulnerable. We share similar features in that we are both over thinkers and tend to take things a bit too personally.
So listening to her situation, I saw how she reacted in the same way I would have reacted if the same thing happened to me. But because I was an impartial third party, I managed to view how destructive my way of thinking was. Giving her advice really helped open my eyes to how I need to stop taking things personally and feeling entitled to things from other people. It only leads to detrimental feelings between people and self-inflicted emotional wounds.
And to my friend who might happen to see this, this isn't a personal attack on your situation; just a reflection of what I learnt from it.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Post Exam Babble
There are so many thoughts racing through my head at the moment.
I thought that everything would be dandy after the end of my examinations. Growing up, I hated change and uncertainty. Which is why I am so so grateful that I took precautions to avoid the empty feeling most psyc students reported after they graduated. Empty because without postgraduate, one cannot become a psychologist. Without pursuing a career in psychology, one must then decide which industry to go into. Which might mean that the past 3 years invested in a psyc degree might be moot, although the skills learnt can be extrapolated and applied to everyday life. I was lucky in securing a pretty prestigious internship with a special ed school before my exams. Thus, I was able to comfortably prepare for my examinations with the assurance that I had solid plans after graduating. The 1.5 months between the end of my exams and the start of the internship is to be filled with giving tuitions almost everyday. Weekends were for boyfriend/church. My birthday falls on a Sunday, so no need for the administrative bother of taking leave. Applications for honor and then hopefully flying off to Aussie in Feb 2017. Internship was going to end in mid-Nov, leaving me sufficient time to tie up loose ends and prep for my leave.
Everything is planned until next year. So for that I am at peace. I guess being overly anxious about the future does lead to pretty awesome planning skills, if I do say so myself. I'm still trying to let go of my need for control though. Although what you just read might seem pretty ironic with respects to that previous declaration, I must clarify that what I need to let go of is my need for control, not order. I feel that being overly perfectionistic in my own life might lead to me displacing some of these high expectations on the people around me. Especially those I love. And it makes me sad to do that, because I realised it's not fair to demand high standards from everyone and everything. I used to get irritated when people couldn't meet that expectations, but after studying psychology, I really feel like I grew as a person. Some people might make the claim that psychology is 'commonsense'. Well, psychology is the study of people, and people being people, of course understand people to some extent. There are so much more that psychology offers that is being taken for granted. But that is tangential to the point I'm making. Studying psychology really makes me mindful to viewing things from other's perspective. Empathy and genuineness are two of the most difficult things to teach. Studying psyc has led me to (some extent) learn to calm down, take a step backwards and examine the whole situations by being in someone else's shoes.
It's a pretty irritating skill to have, because I realised I can't remain mad at someone forever because I'll know why they are behaving the way they are. I've been keeping a lot of my deeper feelings to myself because I'm afraid that I might hurt those around me. But I'm working towards changing my attitudes on lots of things in my life, via CBT. The first step towards being a great psychologist is to get rid of one's excess baggage first. And I will get there.
I thought that everything would be dandy after the end of my examinations. Growing up, I hated change and uncertainty. Which is why I am so so grateful that I took precautions to avoid the empty feeling most psyc students reported after they graduated. Empty because without postgraduate, one cannot become a psychologist. Without pursuing a career in psychology, one must then decide which industry to go into. Which might mean that the past 3 years invested in a psyc degree might be moot, although the skills learnt can be extrapolated and applied to everyday life. I was lucky in securing a pretty prestigious internship with a special ed school before my exams. Thus, I was able to comfortably prepare for my examinations with the assurance that I had solid plans after graduating. The 1.5 months between the end of my exams and the start of the internship is to be filled with giving tuitions almost everyday. Weekends were for boyfriend/church. My birthday falls on a Sunday, so no need for the administrative bother of taking leave. Applications for honor and then hopefully flying off to Aussie in Feb 2017. Internship was going to end in mid-Nov, leaving me sufficient time to tie up loose ends and prep for my leave.
Everything is planned until next year. So for that I am at peace. I guess being overly anxious about the future does lead to pretty awesome planning skills, if I do say so myself. I'm still trying to let go of my need for control though. Although what you just read might seem pretty ironic with respects to that previous declaration, I must clarify that what I need to let go of is my need for control, not order. I feel that being overly perfectionistic in my own life might lead to me displacing some of these high expectations on the people around me. Especially those I love. And it makes me sad to do that, because I realised it's not fair to demand high standards from everyone and everything. I used to get irritated when people couldn't meet that expectations, but after studying psychology, I really feel like I grew as a person. Some people might make the claim that psychology is 'commonsense'. Well, psychology is the study of people, and people being people, of course understand people to some extent. There are so much more that psychology offers that is being taken for granted. But that is tangential to the point I'm making. Studying psychology really makes me mindful to viewing things from other's perspective. Empathy and genuineness are two of the most difficult things to teach. Studying psyc has led me to (some extent) learn to calm down, take a step backwards and examine the whole situations by being in someone else's shoes.
It's a pretty irritating skill to have, because I realised I can't remain mad at someone forever because I'll know why they are behaving the way they are. I've been keeping a lot of my deeper feelings to myself because I'm afraid that I might hurt those around me. But I'm working towards changing my attitudes on lots of things in my life, via CBT. The first step towards being a great psychologist is to get rid of one's excess baggage first. And I will get there.
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