Which wolf wins? 

"The one you feed"

Now I lay me down to sleep

In a paddy field, paddy cakes

2005 when mimosas were the wonders of the world

Broken shards scattered on the floor

Blood-soaked carcass on the lawn 

"With no hands"

Sing me a lullaby, a mellow one about raindrops 

Snowflakes that fall on my nose and eyelashes 

Tip of the iceberg, subconscious wallowing deeply fear

That light....the angle

Fish illuminates

I am drawn 

I am gentle

I am torn

No kindness

Not now

Up looking trees, uplifting skies

Zeus and hades both have eyes 

Which wolf will win

Which will prevail

Feed the one and it will not fail

Lucky

This is my first post of 2015.

Looking back on 2014, most of my posts have been highly negative. I guess this stems from the reason that it takes me a lot of anger and distress to channel all my negative energy into this ball of hot fury that results in me typing furiously on my keyboard, penning down everything that's on my mind. I write my anger out, and sometimes that's what I need to do to get things out of my system.

I don't feel any difference between 2014 and 2015. I mean, physically. The place I'm residing in, my friends, my family are all the same. So technically if all calendars were destroyed and there was no way to keep track of dates, I wouldn't know that we were entering a new year. But we celebrate the new year nonetheless, and I love new year's celebration. It's a symbolic thing, getting together with people you care about and bade the old year goodbye while welcoming the start of a new year. I like to leave behind any shred of regret or bad experience and embrace the warm and fuzzy feeling of hope another year brings. So now comes the metamorphosis.

I'm turning 21 this year. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but rather to society, as this is the age I legally become an adult in the eyes of the modern businessmen. Transitioning from a teenager to an adult, despite me not feeling a physical difference, can bring about psychological and mental changes. Perhaps my module this semester in Development psychology can shine some light on the situation. But I digress. Embarking on a new chapter/stage/phase in my life definitely warrants some reflection on my life thus far, which is the main objective of this post.

"Lucky"

The "" doesn't mean that I'm being sarcastic or anything. It's just what I feel summarise my life so far. While I do admit that living a good life still requires your mental and emotional capabilities, coupled with your ability to function well as a member of society, luck still does play a part. It doesn't insinuate that I've just had everything served to me on a silver platter, nor was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I used to think that I was a pretty lucky kid. I got to go where I wanted to, got to make wonderful friends, excel academically and in my CCAs, and life turned out pretty much the way I wanted to. Sometimes I think that it's a higher being or my waigong watching over me, protecting me from the "evils" of the world, or guiding the universe to be in line with a small girl's view.

I am lucky. And I don't mean that in the hoity-toity-I'm-better-than-everybody kind of way. I'm grateful for the people that have been/am still in my life, grateful for the family that always stands by me through my ups and downs, the genuine friends that care for me. And I feel that I haven't necessarily appreciated them as thoroughly as I would have liked to, so this year is my way of saying thank you. Thank you to every single person that has come and left their footprint in my life, as corny as that sounds.

These few years most of my problems have circled around grades or relationships. So now it's time for me to do them justice and give thanks to those parties involved.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have dated really wonderful guys. Every guy that I've dated was a genuine, loving and sincere guy and I couldn't be more thankful than that. I've never dated anyone who was a total jerk or player. They were charming in their own way. They displayed real care for others. They pampered me. They treated me like royalty, like how I imagined the Disney princes treated their princesses. They showered me with love and attention, and put my well-being in their highest regard. They were serious about me, in the relationship to make it last. Sometimes I feel that they love me more than I love myself. I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have met really good guys :)




So to everyone that have walked the path with me, thank you for making me lucky :)

2014

2014 has been one of the most emotionally draining, uplifting, confusing, amazing, unexpected, dramatized, thought-provoking and significant years of my life.

It was the year I took my first overseas trip with my friends

It was the year I first got food poisoning from the seafood from said overseas trip

It was the first time I went to a country while riots were going on (bkk)

It was the first time I went to a Disney themed party ^_^

It was the first time I spent the whole day (and night) of valentine’s day with someone special

It was the first time I received a pink glitter rose J

It was the first time I celebrated a guy’s ORD

It was the first time I panicked during a performance (jr showcase)

It was the first time I did learnt a baby freeze

It was the first time I handled a camp group of over 9 guys (and I wanted to die screaming at them to listen to me lol)

It was the first time I watched a dance battle

It was the first time I rode in a car driven by someone who wasn’t over 30

It was the first time I got to navigate a car (and I got us lost double lol)

It was the first time I went to a Halloween event at a club

It was the first time I cooked pasta for somebody’s birthday

It was the first time I (half-drunk) went to somebody’s house in the middle of the night

It was the first time I learnt not to tell people too much

It was the first time an elephant touched me against my will

It was the first time I jumped I went to adventure cove (and found it to be pretty lame)

It was the first time I witnessed a real life contortionist and a guy who put chains attached to a weight through his tongue and nose and swallowed a sword (I puked a little inside)

It was the first time I ordered from taobao (idek why this is here)

It was the first time ate salmon without being forced to (and started loving it since)

It was the first time I had to say goodbye to a close friend who was going overseas for a period of time

It was the first time I felt intimidated by other girls

It was the first time I started caring about how I can be a better girlfriend

It was the first time I lost confidence in psychology as a future career L

It was the first time I got on a dean’s list

It was the first time I got rejected from a scholarship

It was the first time I visited IMH

It was the first time I watched a locking showdown

It was the first time I went to a bar in Holland village

It was the first time my age started w a 2

It was the first time I worked as a dancer

It was the first time I took on more tuition jobs than I ever did

It was the first time I went blonde (tips)

It was the first time I performed for a production

It was the first time I acted as a bird for more than half of an item LOL

It was the first time I felt insecure in a relationship

It was the first time I felt slightly more confident about my dancing

It was the first time I discovered the joys of blasting spotify playlists in the shower

It was the first time I ate a durian cream puff

It was the first time I bought a polaroid as a birthday present

It was the first time I went to 2 concerts for free (knf and kurt)

It was the first time I washed dishes at a friend’s house

It was the first time I cried so much since my waigong’s funeral

It was the first time I felt so much in love with someone to the extent where I can see a future that enters marriage

It was the first time I picked up learning guitar

It was the first time I surprised someone for her birthday at midnight

It was the first time I nearly died of period cramps

It was the first time my boobs shrank *cries

It was the first time I sewed my own costume/altered my own clothes

It was the first time I put someone’s wallpaper on my desktop screen

It was the first time I let a boy paint my nails (can’t really rmb if this was in late 2013 or early 2014)

It was the first time I got over my fear of dogs

It was the first time I visited a dog café

It was the first time I got a prada bag heheh omg this is an accomplishment please do not judge

It was the first time I found people out of my class that shares the same deep passionate love in psychology as I do

It was the first time I learnt so much about business

It was the first time I cried on someone’s shoulders who I’ve met twice in my life

It was the first time I got asked to leave a club (long story)

It was the first time I drank sheridan’s (love)

It was the first time I got surprised at midnight on my birthday <3

It was the first time I bought a couple t-shirt

It was the first time I ran for fun after my last napfa in 2012

It was the first time I felt accomplished as a tutor

It was the first time I experienced a breakup

It was the first time I felt like using a time turner to go back to 5 minutes before I said something

It was the first time I worried about money and my life about graduation

It was the first time I felt like honesty isn’t always the best policy

It was the first time I felt so many mixed emotions about my social life

It was the first time I slept with someone who I wasn’t in a relationship with

It was the first time I enjoy my own company amongst other people

It was the first time I feel so young amongst my friends

It was the first time said youngness makes me feel like I haven’t lived enough and experienced enough before I start taking on more responsibilities

It was the first time I feel like I can trust someone to take care of me in the future

It was the first time I ate a wrap at macdonalds (again, idek why this is here)

It was the first time I went to a beach party

It was the first time wore a bikini

It was the first time I drank to the extent I puked

It was the first time I played circle of death and got so many dares

It was the first time I got the king’s cup (but daryl and bryan helped me drink most of it thank you guys)

It was the first time actually felt so much pain from the uterus that I bought the pink panadol

It was the first time I felt invisible during trainings

It was the first time ‘performed’ a lot more at a lot of different places

It was the first time I did a group graded presentation in university

It was the first time I worked as a calafare in a credit card advertisement

It was the first time I took on a modeling job with a shoe company

It was the first time I went to one-altitude

It was the first time I had a root canal operation

It was the first time I went white water rafting since 2008

It was the first time I became more financially independent

It was the first time one of my boob fell out of my bikini and I might had flashed a lifeguard fml

It was the first time I cried studying during university

It was the first time I copied my friend’s assignment, which was graded for a module

It was the first time I was so involved in dance that I neglected my friends, family and schoolwork

It was the first time I dated somebody from the same school and cca

It was the first time received a Swarovski necklace in the shape of a heart

It was the first time I made mashed potato

There are so many more firsts that 2014 has let me experienced, but I can’t seem to recall them at the moment. It is the most significant year of my life where so much has happened, so many different emotions felt, and I experienced the most mental and emotional instability I have probably experienced my whole life lol. But downs aside, 2014 has its ups as well. I got to know myself better as a person, what I want in life and how I can become a better person. I’m still a work in progress (preferably a diamond in the rough), but I’ll get there soon. It’s not December yet and this year has passed by in the blink of an eye, with everything going on, so I found it in myself to sit down and pen these thoughts down before time slips away again.

Hopefully I’ll be adding ‘It was the first time I got an internship” and other good memories onto my list in the next 1.5 months I have left of 2014. May 2015 be a better year with a lot less drama and a whole lot more ups. Please let me be more secure and confident of myself and take things in stride. My greatest wish for 2015 (and onwards) will be better emotional/mental stability and fulfillment. *sincerely hopes and prays

I don’t think I can take anymore downs for now. But it was still a great year, and I’ve learnt so much from everything I experienced, good or bad.

like 2 pieces of a puzzle

maybe I have this self-destructive innate tendency in me.

when I fear someone getting too close to me, the fear of losing them amplifies in magnitude compared to the joy of having them around.

and this fear is too overwhelming to me.

because no one is forever.

and where will that leave me when they eventually decide to move on?




I'll be a wreck.
I'll be a small ball of sobbing and whimpering.
A hot mess.
All curled up in the fetal position, displaying the vulnerability of a helpless child.
A pain that resonates throughout every fibre of my being; its threshold is exacerbated by more sadness.
It's a monster that feeds and grows upon your sadness.
It's youself (myself).



Distance.


That's how I've always thought to protect myself.

Isolation of one's emotions (Anna Freud's defence mechanism)

Maybe I have this sadistic nature of self-inflicted pain as pleasure

Maybe I'm just unwell

Or maybe I'm part of a new species that is sent to this planet to comprehend the multifaceted face of human emotions

Maybe I'm a behaviorist

Maybe I support determinism






Maybe I too often reach for my self-destruct button when agonised over my own induced fear of loss.

Maybe I'm the monster hiding in the closet; the monster creeping up from under my bed at night, the one that terrorises kids in the night

Maybe I'm the boogieman





Maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up from this nightmare I've designed

Monster

I'm friends with the monster

That's under my bed

Get along with the voices inside of my head

You're trying to save me

Stop holding your breath

And you think I'm crazy

Why don't you be the artist

And make me out of clay

Why don't you be the writer

And decide the words I say

'Cause I'd rather pretend

I'll still be there at the end

Only it's too hard to ask

Won't you try to help me

I've never been one to make sacrifices. All my life I've been lucky enough to be on the receiving end, with people willing to accommodate and make adjustments in their lives for me. And I thank them. I thank you.

This is probably the first person I'm making conscious effort to tweak little parts of my life for, changing what I can to make the other party feel better. That's probably a sacrifice, at least in my books. This new and foreign action brings about feelings I've never experienced. On one end I feel pride in myself, being all Mother Theresa ish and making changes for people (although in no way as patriotic nor martyr-like as her). On the other I feel this weird feeling of dissatisfaction looming within me.

It feels odd, peculiar and somewhat strange, this feeling. I haven't quite begun to comprehend why I'm feeling this way. And it bugs me. You can bet it irks me to no end, unable to pinpoint the reason for my frustration. A part of me is telling me to stop giving in, to halt this foreign behavior. Is it worth it

I feel like I'm going to explode at any moment. And nothing I've thought of can quench this impending feeling. Maybe there are too many changes going on. Maybe I can't cope with it all. Maybe that's why, for the past 6 months, I've been clinging onto the familiar. Because there's always comfort in the familiarity; and right now I'm right smack outside of my comfort zone.

And straight on 'til morning

I've never been a fan of change.

Because change means deviating further from familiarity, stepping outside one's comfort zone and risking exposure to potential negative feelings, people or events. In addition, with my high level of neurotism and perfectionist attitude, it is no wonder I've been resisting change for most parts of my life.

Don't get me wrong, there are many positive changes that I look forward to. For example meeting new people, exploring new locations or picking up a new skill. But for most major changes, I hate uncertainty. Perhaps it's an inculcated habit or a trait of mine to want a certain amount of control over things involving myself, particularly my mental welfare or feelings. I spoke to wanping recently, and she told me something I already knew but was just too in denial to face up to - we've changed. I've changed.

And the best yet ironically worst part of the matter is, it wasn't because of ourselves. It was because of other people. New people that entered my life caused me to change. They didn't literally hold me at gunpoint and insist I modify certain parts of myself but being in a different social environment led me to alter certain parts of myself to fit the group's norms. This social metamorphosis is pretty common and some might even coin it was being adaptive and flexible to contextual differences.

The problems comes in when I realise this is the first time my change isn't in my control. I can't control how I react to certain things. How I feel about certain people. I can't control how good or bad I feel about myself. I can't control blocking out negativity from people I care about.

It all started on the first date.

When I was younger and witnessed people going through emotional turmoils over a guy/girl, I thought them stupid. How could one not possess a level of control within oneself to prevent one's feelings from going awry? Why couldn't they just block out the negativity and hurt and not let it affect themselves? How could people get into depression over affaires of the heart? Well I can say that I find myself unable to answer these questions as I fall into my own conundrum.

It's changed. The situation has changed and now it's something entirely new. I have to kick my old perfectionist attitude. I can't expect to control everything and everyone and get mad when things don't go according to plan, like I do in the past. I have to control forming my own ideal situations and how things should go, because these expectations kill me. I have to let go of my high expectations and just go with the flow. They are only human, and I can't expect my fairytale story like how I've always wished for. That's not to say that a childhood dream can no longer exist, it just exists in a different form. A realistic form. I have to learn to be adaptive, to care more. I can't expect to be treated like a princess, like I was in the past. Even disney princesses have their downfalls when they have to be independent and rise to the occasion. They typically do so during their coming of age, and someone is about to come of age when she turns an adult this year. It was really nice being pampered and loved and showered with attention and gifts, but I have to be ok with these potentially being absent from my life. And it'll be ok. It'll take some getting used to, but it'll be fine.

It's time to change. Time to leave neverland behind.