Bed thoughts.

So I took my driving test for the first time today and failed. And by quite a lot. I would say that 90% of it was due to my mentality when I struck the kerb during the start of my test. I was so nervous that i tossed everything I learnt out the (car) window and did much worse than I had practiced for during lessons. 

I prayed so hard to pass it, and actually many things were in my favor. I got the best timing, having the test during the time I usually take my lessons. It wasn't raining and there weren't many cars on the road. Being a perfectionist who can't handle rejections well, it is no surprise today that I didn't take the failure well when I first heard it. Took all the courage I had in my body to not tear in front of the tester. 

But I learnt something from this, which is why I felt the urge to blog about it. I wished that 2016 would be a year of success for me. And it will be. But it is naive to wish that everything I come across will go in my way, because life doesn't work that way. I would say that I've been so sheltered and fortunate for a major part of my life that I can confidently say life always went my way. It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised it didn't. But it was a good wake up call and an enriching experience. During this period of "awakening" I felt myself grow and blossom and learn like I've never done in my life. This thing is but a minor setback, a little thorn amongst the rose bushes of life that I am still living. 

So I change what I want of 2016. Do not let it be a year just of success. Let it be the most enriching year, full of obstacles that I can conquer, full of learning experiences shall I not, and most importantly, full of optimism. 

2016

I compiled a blog draft of my reflections in 2015, but there were just too many things to reflect on this year so I decided to start another one.

2015 whizzed by in the blink of an eye and here we are, in another leap year. I love leap years, something about having an extra day in the year just makes it something special. Like how every once in 4 years we have another 24 hours in the shortest month of the year, how the date 29 February holds some astronomical significance that it almost, romantic.

I digress. 2015 was mostly full of ups, fortunately. But time passed by so fast I hardly knew what hit me before it was over.

I was nominated by my lecturer to partake in an international convention, Spotlight Singapore Mexico City 2015. I was one of the 8 student delegates chosen to go, and the only one from Psychology. Learnt a lot, more importantly how I was able to be culturally intelligent. I was the one who got along best with the foreigners. I trained my public speaking skills, and was flexible in my first networking session, especially with people who weren't in my field of interest. Plus it was awesome flying to the other side of the world. I didn't fancy the food much, but I love the architecture, the atmosphere and the people.

Completed 5/6 of my uni life. Thank God for blessing me throughout my uni life and constantly giving me encouragement/solace and opportunities to make my uni life fulfilling,

Got my first office job. I worked for Stamford Education and did a lot more learning than expected. Even though I wasn't doing the type of research I would have liked to contribute, I learnt content writing, marketing, brand auditing, events planning, hosting, social media management and many more. Grateful to have gained so much valuable experience.

My first anniversary with a boyfriend. Although it didn't go the way I thought it would have, it was amazing nonetheless. I learnt so much from this relationship and I'm constantly growing and improving myself as a girlfriend and human being. So thankful to have ht in my life. 2016 will be an even better year for us <3

Danced my second production. I didnt really enjoy the experience. I would rate it a 2/10 actually. Felt shitty as a dancer most of the time and didn't really feel like I improved as a dancer from this production. Still very grateful to have so many people supporting me and cheering me on

My 21st birthday party. I didn't want to have one initially but I'm so glad I did in the end. This was the moment in my life that I actually felt so damn lucky. Seeing how my relatives postponed their flights to come to my party, how my aunts went around collecting my cake, ensuring everything was perfect for me. My closest friends who knew how much of a perfectionist I was and coming early to do my set up. Sukaa came to decorate my scrapbook cover. Rosa helped me throughout the planning process, Nicky and Jiaxin helped immensely with the booking, vetting, planning and logistics. Ak and Jas came all the way to Jurong freaking East and sat with me for hours doing my scrapbook. My sis helped me with ordering of things online and advising me on decor/cake. Hengthye helped so much on scene, ensuring everyone is ok and that the flow was not interrupted. Wanping came all the way from the airport the moment she touched down, just to surprise me. CAG and RYB were the most efficient team, making sure everyone wrote in the scrapbook. The amount of messages asking if I needed more help was so touching, that people truly care so much about me. My family, with their unconditional support, they made sure everyone had enough food and that I had the party I dreamt of. I didn't have a proper theme, but I had everyone and everything I love as a theme and that made that night so magical. When I was exhausted and tired my girls pulled me away and made sure I sat and had enough food and drink. They were my make up team, my dress up team, decor team, photography team and everything more. I love everyone in my life and am truly so touched by the people I have. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such beautiful people :')

Travelled with my ahma and my sis. We went to Japan and although we went on tour, it was the first time I was in charge of the trip. I thought it would be difficult at first, handling my ahma and my sis but it was a lot better than expected. I felt accomplished at the end of the trip. Oh, and I saw snow for the first time! :D

Tuition. I decided to go 'full time' tutoring and increased my rate a lot. When I first started as a tutor, I had a lot of doubts about my abilities and whether I would be a good tutor. Thus, when some students dropped me I took it very personally and was pretty upset and even afraid to offend any of my clients so that they would keep me. But now that I'm so much better I took a brave step and made my value much higher. To my surprise (and delight) almost all of them were ok with it and that made me feel so much better about myself and my capacity. I'm getting paid well now and I'm hoping I only get better.

Adult ready. I stopped taking allowance from my family. It's pretty common for most of my friends to still be getting allowance but in SIM a lot of my friends are v self sufficient, some even paying their own bills/sch fees like wtf are you human?!?! But they are, and it proves that I can be self sufficient too. It look courage and a lot of willpower to tell my mum not to give me allowance but it is liberating and I regret nothing. Even though she's still paying for my last semester in uni and my bills, it's baby steps to becoming a full-fledge adult. Nevertheless, I'm still proud of myself :)

Got a belly piercing, hehe. Something that I found so sexy for a very long time and after much pain, I GOT IT WAHOO.

All in all, it was a good year. Gonna keep improving myself, hopefully I can be a better dancer, student, writer, tutor, girlfriend.

I was going through a comprehension with my Tutee yesterday and we did a passage on tattoos. 

I've wanted the words "just breathe" tattooed on the back of my right shoulder  since 2010. The same font, same location. So I guess it's pretty safe that I didn't want it in the heat of the moment.

2010 was a tough point in my life. It was the period where something really drastic happened and that led to me changing quite a big part of my life and myself. It's something that I haven't felt comfortable enough to speak to anyone about up till this day and tbh I don't really know if I will ever divulge this. Anyway, it was at that moment when I felt so down that the inspiration for this tattoo came to me. 

The tattoo was inspired by the translation of the Chinese characters 呼吸. That was what my grandmother used to say to me when I spent several nights crying till I nearly got a panic attack and she would just hold my hand and say those words to me. 

Tattoos used to be a religious symbol for tribes. Now, it has become an extension of body art, of self expression and a need for individuality. Many have told me not to get the tattoo because of tattoo regret, but I don't know I'm really inspired to get it now. Maybe one day I will

25 sep

life is good. :)

driving was fun today i had a different instructor and he played pop musics while we drove.

i got to drive out myself and i cleared my module pretty fast

getting more confident driving now (Y)

the uber cab i called came super fast and i reached school in time to catch up with stats

managed to submit my stats assignment and got full marks for cognition quiz :D can i get a whatwhat bc cognition is such a tedious module

spoke to nicky and managed to get some htht in despite being in school

it's my official chinese birthday today so i get the mianxian w the red egg which doesn't really taste different from regular egg but it's cool because maybe it's been blessed or something idk actually

HTGAWM SEASON 2 IS FINALLY OUT TODAY WAHOOOOO

and i finally understood what's been getting me down lately. i might finally have a solution

all in all, t'was good day :)

Let everything be ok

Just breathe

Self-updating

It's the second week of school and it has been thoroughly exhausting waking up for morning lessons everyday :O zzz (my face when my alarm sounds and wakes me up from my lalaland)

I like being busy though. I like having a routine and being organised. It distracts me from the now, and when things get stagnant my imagination runs wild and I find myself drowning in a pool of insecurity and self-deprecation. Still can't come to terms with the fact that I'm now a year 3 psychology student. The past 2 years of learning has been fun, but I admit that I've been able to kinda slack off in class and still score well. Now year 3 is the make or break year. I attended the honors talk by one of the Australian professors and it's so competitive :O The amount of people getting accepted is only 50-60, with 8 of them being from Singapore this year. At this moment I really want to attend honors because it's gonna be an adventure and one of the things I yearn to do most since I was little, to study overseas. Everyone that went on exchanges had pleasant things to say about them, and I would want an opportunity to stand on my own feet in a foreign country and indulge in these learning experiences that seem to apply to every country. To meet new people, to taste new food and probably get into trouble.

But another part of me is pretty reluctant to go. Much of it stems from the fact that I'm in a stable relationship and I'm so afraid of what one year apart can do to us. Just the thought of leaving him for 9 days to Mexico City made me so sad. I cannot fathom how I can survive one year away. Maybe these insecurities will fade away with time.

Dance-wise. Production is coming and it's pretty fucked up. I shan't say much but it is. It basically should be the subjects of a learned helplessness experiment because it so much embodies every aspect of the psychology theory.

I'm going to volunteer at IMH this Saturday. My friend recommended me to the supervisor and I'm both nervous and excited about it. Hopefully helping other people will help me find some meaning in my life. God that sounded so hopelessly depressing. What I meant was that maybe it can provide some direction in what I'm meant to do to help people in the future.

Untitled

I have been doing some self reflection lately. 

These last few days/months, attribute it to mother nature's blessing of PMS or a lack of direction in my life, has been riddled with self serving questions. With that comes an overwhelming amount of insecurity of what the hell I'm doing with my life. 

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions or selecting my priorities correctly. But that's the beauty of life, it's filled with so many options and opportunities that come a'knocking on your front door that you never know if there is an ideal answer. One of my biggest personal obstacle is the inability to dissociate myself from the past. Everything that has happened from 18 September 1994 to this very day molded me to be the person I am today. And while I am still on the journey to figure out who this person is, I live in the past.

Episodes from years ago replay in my head and I can't get over certain paths I've taken but I'm glad I made those choices. 

This feeling of insecurity and uncertainty is shrouding me from enjoying what my peers my age are enjoying right now. I like being ahead of my peers and gaining an advantage to what this big scary infamous "real world" is like, but other times I just need to let my hair down and be totally irresponsible. 

Be young, impulsive, spend money on shoes, splurge on concerts, meet new people from all over the world, have unprotected sex, take joyrides, go to cafes, skinny dip, club hop, keep a diary of all my adventures like I used to.