New Chapter

10.05.16

Today marks the day of my final examinations. Like FINAL examinations. For my BSc Psychology degree, anyway. I have unofficially graduated from UOW.

The past 3 years have been filled with such eye opening and inspiring experiences. I can say that I probably learnt more in the past 3 years than I did half my life. When I first entered UOW/SIM I felt really crestfallen as the reason I was in here and not NUS or NTU was because I didn't do well for A levels. Having excelled in my studies since primary school, it was a huge blow to my ego. I made a decision that most people wouldn't have in my case - I decided to go to private university and study what I love, instead of settle for any course in local university. After all, your uni course mostly decides your career path, right?

Studying what I love brought back the motivation I needed to get back on the academic bandwagon I fell off. I worked hard and played hard. I met amazing people and some not-so-amazing ones. I lost people from my life, purged people from my life and accepted people I never thought I would give a place in my world. I learnt so much about taking chances, taking risks and embracing failure. I celebrated success, grew more as a person, and stepped out of my comfort zone. Not everyone gets to have a permanent class in uni for 3 years, but I did. Our small cohort led to us having a cozy and familiar social setting to greet our day with. Even though I did not interact too much with every single member of my class, I truly appreciated their role, no matter small or big, they had to play on my personal development.

Today is the day I leave SIM. I originally thought that I wouldn't be upset graduating, as my course requires I pursue postgraduate for at least another 3 years before I can practise psychology. But it does leave a sting on my heart that my time here is up. 3 beautiful, crazy and magical years. I am truly honoured to have been a part of this experience, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thank you SIM, for being a significant milestone in my life.

Little Lessons on Happiness

Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I have an issue with control. I have a constant need to be in control all the time. Throw in a load of perfectionism and you get someone who expects maybe just a little too much of others. Anywho, after years of battling being upset/disappointed by people, I've discovered some little tips that might just be the path towards self happiness.

1. Recognise that happiness is a product of one's mentality
Happiness is abstract. There is no universal criteria for happiness, it stems from how much one values something/someone. My lecturer once told me something that stuck with me for life "we are responsible for our own distress". This explains why some people are exceptionally affected over an event, while others experiencing the same issue can remain calm and collected. So keep calming yourself, reassure yourself and know that your happiness isn't in anyone's control but yours.

2. Do one thing at a time
In a world where efficiency and speed expected for many jobs/life in general, trying to do everything at once might lead to you getting nothing done at all. Having too many things going on at the same time can lead to unnecessary mental stress, which takes a toll on your happiness without offering any productivity. This is something I'm guilty of often. I have so much to do that trying to do everything at once exacerbates my stress tenfold. Currently, I am opening the facebook tabs necessary for recruitment, planning my study schedule, researching potential living areas in Australia, and trying to do my online assignments all at once. This isn't very productive right now.

3. Lower your expectations
Ok so I'm the queen of having expectations. Especially for people I care about. But people can't always live up to your standards, and it's unfair on both you and the ones you love to have to live by a benchmark. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself of point number 1 when you find yourself mulling over this.

4. Go have fun
Positivity is a product of your surroundings. Being in a negative environment will unconsciously have an effect on your mentality, causing you to feel more depressed than you actually are. Surround yourself with positive people, positive vibes and positive energy! Go out, get some fresh air and sunlight, and have a blast. Whenever I've been feeling pent up and stressed, a night out with my friends or a date night will always bring my mood up!

Whirlwind in my head

Have you ever been so wrapped up in thinking, that you feel a tornado forming in your brain? When you start with one innocent thought and it just spirals out of control. Your brain is reacting so quickly and forming new opinions and images that you just can't keep it in order anymore. One thought leads to the next and BAM it's like Kansas during tornado season.

This has been a rest week for me. It has been pretty nice, having a break from the stressful life. This year has been pretty ok so far, not the successful one that I hoped I would have but hey, instant gratification can't be expected for long term plans, can it?

I haven't been extremely successful at what I was aiming for, and it kinda bummed me out. I haven't been known to take rejection well. In fact, I take it to the opposite of well. Been trying to change my perspective on rejection but baby steps. Just crossing my fingers that everything will work out for the better.

There are so many things in my mind now, I can't keep up with them. Been meaning to write them down here but I haven't had the time and space to do so. Till later on.

Update

Read through some of my older blog posts and realised there were so many grammatical errors. I usually blog when I'm filled with emotions or full of inspiration and my typing speed just can't keep up with my train of thought. So it's to no shock that I would make some errors and simply be too emotionally liberated/exhausted at the end of the post to reread everything and edit them. But it doesn't matter anyway, I don't think there are much people keeping up with this blog.

This is one of the times where I feel no emotions welling up deep inside me to want to blog. It's just a normal update, kinda like what a blog was created for, back in secondary school. My tuition jobs have been going well, but kinda been spending a lot in Jan 2016 already omg. School bidding went a lot smoother than expected, I managed to get my first choices and my schedule is very well spread out. I should have time for friends/studies/work. On another side of school, I feel 0% motivation to go back for dance. Ever since Duality, I have such a bad impression of being in the club that I feel no longing to go for trainings. Which is really sad because I improved so much since day 1 and I would never give anything up to go for trainings when I first entered. And I can feel myself improving gradually and being more confident but sadly, I don't feel like I belong in DWZ. I have plenty of friends there and can catch up during training but there's just something missing, and I have no idea what that is.

I thought about just quitting DWZ but a part of me wants to get back the passion for dance. To be really good at something, you know. I haven't really found my calling in life and I feel that bits and pieces of what I love will somehow mould me so I get a better look at who I am.

This year made me feel more like an adult. Like the butterfly which just emerged from its cocoon, the world might seem a little strange from a new perspective. But it's a new adventure. Just hope I'm up for the ride.

Bed thoughts.

So I took my driving test for the first time today and failed. And by quite a lot. I would say that 90% of it was due to my mentality when I struck the kerb during the start of my test. I was so nervous that i tossed everything I learnt out the (car) window and did much worse than I had practiced for during lessons. 

I prayed so hard to pass it, and actually many things were in my favor. I got the best timing, having the test during the time I usually take my lessons. It wasn't raining and there weren't many cars on the road. Being a perfectionist who can't handle rejections well, it is no surprise today that I didn't take the failure well when I first heard it. Took all the courage I had in my body to not tear in front of the tester. 

But I learnt something from this, which is why I felt the urge to blog about it. I wished that 2016 would be a year of success for me. And it will be. But it is naive to wish that everything I come across will go in my way, because life doesn't work that way. I would say that I've been so sheltered and fortunate for a major part of my life that I can confidently say life always went my way. It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised it didn't. But it was a good wake up call and an enriching experience. During this period of "awakening" I felt myself grow and blossom and learn like I've never done in my life. This thing is but a minor setback, a little thorn amongst the rose bushes of life that I am still living. 

So I change what I want of 2016. Do not let it be a year just of success. Let it be the most enriching year, full of obstacles that I can conquer, full of learning experiences shall I not, and most importantly, full of optimism. 

2016

I compiled a blog draft of my reflections in 2015, but there were just too many things to reflect on this year so I decided to start another one.

2015 whizzed by in the blink of an eye and here we are, in another leap year. I love leap years, something about having an extra day in the year just makes it something special. Like how every once in 4 years we have another 24 hours in the shortest month of the year, how the date 29 February holds some astronomical significance that it almost, romantic.

I digress. 2015 was mostly full of ups, fortunately. But time passed by so fast I hardly knew what hit me before it was over.

I was nominated by my lecturer to partake in an international convention, Spotlight Singapore Mexico City 2015. I was one of the 8 student delegates chosen to go, and the only one from Psychology. Learnt a lot, more importantly how I was able to be culturally intelligent. I was the one who got along best with the foreigners. I trained my public speaking skills, and was flexible in my first networking session, especially with people who weren't in my field of interest. Plus it was awesome flying to the other side of the world. I didn't fancy the food much, but I love the architecture, the atmosphere and the people.

Completed 5/6 of my uni life. Thank God for blessing me throughout my uni life and constantly giving me encouragement/solace and opportunities to make my uni life fulfilling,

Got my first office job. I worked for Stamford Education and did a lot more learning than expected. Even though I wasn't doing the type of research I would have liked to contribute, I learnt content writing, marketing, brand auditing, events planning, hosting, social media management and many more. Grateful to have gained so much valuable experience.

My first anniversary with a boyfriend. Although it didn't go the way I thought it would have, it was amazing nonetheless. I learnt so much from this relationship and I'm constantly growing and improving myself as a girlfriend and human being. So thankful to have ht in my life. 2016 will be an even better year for us <3

Danced my second production. I didnt really enjoy the experience. I would rate it a 2/10 actually. Felt shitty as a dancer most of the time and didn't really feel like I improved as a dancer from this production. Still very grateful to have so many people supporting me and cheering me on

My 21st birthday party. I didn't want to have one initially but I'm so glad I did in the end. This was the moment in my life that I actually felt so damn lucky. Seeing how my relatives postponed their flights to come to my party, how my aunts went around collecting my cake, ensuring everything was perfect for me. My closest friends who knew how much of a perfectionist I was and coming early to do my set up. Sukaa came to decorate my scrapbook cover. Rosa helped me throughout the planning process, Nicky and Jiaxin helped immensely with the booking, vetting, planning and logistics. Ak and Jas came all the way to Jurong freaking East and sat with me for hours doing my scrapbook. My sis helped me with ordering of things online and advising me on decor/cake. Hengthye helped so much on scene, ensuring everyone is ok and that the flow was not interrupted. Wanping came all the way from the airport the moment she touched down, just to surprise me. CAG and RYB were the most efficient team, making sure everyone wrote in the scrapbook. The amount of messages asking if I needed more help was so touching, that people truly care so much about me. My family, with their unconditional support, they made sure everyone had enough food and that I had the party I dreamt of. I didn't have a proper theme, but I had everyone and everything I love as a theme and that made that night so magical. When I was exhausted and tired my girls pulled me away and made sure I sat and had enough food and drink. They were my make up team, my dress up team, decor team, photography team and everything more. I love everyone in my life and am truly so touched by the people I have. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such beautiful people :')

Travelled with my ahma and my sis. We went to Japan and although we went on tour, it was the first time I was in charge of the trip. I thought it would be difficult at first, handling my ahma and my sis but it was a lot better than expected. I felt accomplished at the end of the trip. Oh, and I saw snow for the first time! :D

Tuition. I decided to go 'full time' tutoring and increased my rate a lot. When I first started as a tutor, I had a lot of doubts about my abilities and whether I would be a good tutor. Thus, when some students dropped me I took it very personally and was pretty upset and even afraid to offend any of my clients so that they would keep me. But now that I'm so much better I took a brave step and made my value much higher. To my surprise (and delight) almost all of them were ok with it and that made me feel so much better about myself and my capacity. I'm getting paid well now and I'm hoping I only get better.

Adult ready. I stopped taking allowance from my family. It's pretty common for most of my friends to still be getting allowance but in SIM a lot of my friends are v self sufficient, some even paying their own bills/sch fees like wtf are you human?!?! But they are, and it proves that I can be self sufficient too. It look courage and a lot of willpower to tell my mum not to give me allowance but it is liberating and I regret nothing. Even though she's still paying for my last semester in uni and my bills, it's baby steps to becoming a full-fledge adult. Nevertheless, I'm still proud of myself :)

Got a belly piercing, hehe. Something that I found so sexy for a very long time and after much pain, I GOT IT WAHOO.

All in all, it was a good year. Gonna keep improving myself, hopefully I can be a better dancer, student, writer, tutor, girlfriend.

I was going through a comprehension with my Tutee yesterday and we did a passage on tattoos. 

I've wanted the words "just breathe" tattooed on the back of my right shoulder  since 2010. The same font, same location. So I guess it's pretty safe that I didn't want it in the heat of the moment.

2010 was a tough point in my life. It was the period where something really drastic happened and that led to me changing quite a big part of my life and myself. It's something that I haven't felt comfortable enough to speak to anyone about up till this day and tbh I don't really know if I will ever divulge this. Anyway, it was at that moment when I felt so down that the inspiration for this tattoo came to me. 

The tattoo was inspired by the translation of the Chinese characters 呼吸. That was what my grandmother used to say to me when I spent several nights crying till I nearly got a panic attack and she would just hold my hand and say those words to me. 

Tattoos used to be a religious symbol for tribes. Now, it has become an extension of body art, of self expression and a need for individuality. Many have told me not to get the tattoo because of tattoo regret, but I don't know I'm really inspired to get it now. Maybe one day I will