HTHTher p.1

It's December 2018.

I've been meaning to write something about this, but I never got around to it. I told you that I write a love story for every guy I've loved. Now that our chapter's closed, it's about time I force myself to write probably the most difficult love story I've ever written.

The thought are just flooding my head right now. When it all ended, I contemplated on the best way to pen my thoughts down. I couldn't. I don't even know if I'm writing it the way I planned on writing.

I remember the very first fight we had. We were straddling that awkward stage between certain people knowing we were dating but we weren't official yet so not everyone knows. You've been single for a while now, and I just got out of a relationship. It was difficult to choose the time we let people know, maybe because at that time we didn't even know if we knew.

Revo had a gathering at your place. It was hotpot, I remember. Sarah was just about to fly off to UK for the first time, so that must've been sometime in August or September 2014. I asked you if I was coming to the gathering. You said that it wasn't a good idea because revo wasn't having plus ones. And at that time, I wasn't your official plus one yet. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling really bummed out that you were having a gathering at your place with our friends and I wasn't invited, because those people knew we were kinda starting something then. But I shrugged it off, since it was a revo thing anyway. So I went out with Roz and Sarah and we went to eat songfa bakkuteh. During the outing, I received a text from Steph. She asked if I was going for the gathering, because she was. At that moment I felt hot rage, that you said no plus ones were going, and she was Edwin's (then) plus one. I remember being so upset and telling her I wasn't invited, and the girls asked you about it. You texted me and asked me to come, but I was out and you knew I was upset. I ignored your texts. It was quite apparent that I was upset during the outing. I felt like crying cause I felt like I wasn't important enough to be shown to our mutual friends whom already knew we were seeing each other. You apologised, and kept persuading me to come, saying you'll leave food for me and take care of me. I ignored the texts.

Trudging home, emotionally and physically exhausted, I saw your car parked at the handicapped area near my place. That was always the place you parked at when you drove me home and picked me up. I loved how you drove me around, especially after dance trainings, or when we would go out for supper. One of my fondest memory of you driving me around was when we went for the illuminate beach party together (that pic of us there was your phone screen wallpaper for some time), and you drove me there cause you were worried that it would be difficult to get a cab home. So you stayed sober and spent over $70 on drinks for Joanne and I and I got so fucking wild at that party. You took care of me then anyway and didn't want to take my money the next day. I digress. Your car was parked at our usual spot and I spotted you from a distance away. You'd ask everyone to leave your house early and came to my place to wait for me because you felt bad. Honestly, that was something I didn't expect because I wasn't your girlfriend then and you cared so much about my feelings that you ended a party at your place early to rush down to make sure I was ok. We talked it out that night, and we were indeed, more than ok.

TBC

2017.

Wow it's been 8 months since my previous post.

2017 flew by in the blink of an eye.
I decided to take a look at what I posted before today and couldn't even remember the content of my previous posts. The post below this made me recall how upset I was when I first got to Wollongong. Leaving my cushy life in Singapore, becoming a minority in a foreign country and leaving my close friends is possibly the biggest step out of my comfort zone to date.

Upon reflection, 2017 has been a pretty terrific year.

I took great ownership of my thesis, and got a HD!
I wrote most of it on medication, and I was super ill at the time of submission so thank God that I pulled through with that grade.
I missed first class honours by 2 marks. That was a major bummer, but I realised that people could still get into postgrad with 2UC, so that's not too bad.
The lack of a scholarship sucks though.

I tried so many new things this year.
Went on so many road trips.
Syd/Blue Mountains/Wgong with Weiting and Bry
Melb/Syd with Jo and Bao
Syd/Tas/Wgong with HT
Canberra with Singapeople on voting day (which turned out to be a walkover, but still, cause for a celebration)
Around Wgong/NSW with Bry's parents + BYSH
Drove down to Melb with BYSH and found the joy of minigolf + laser tag (GUESS WHO WON BOTH GAMES) and archery and a lot a lot more mini golf

You know shit's about to get down when the bet for a hole-in-one is a hungry jack's hashbrown (and sher somehow won 4 hashbrowns when she lost the game)
Cheered like crazy and had so so much fun with mini golf, people would think we won a gold medal at the olympics (wait, do they even have golf in the olympics? idts actually)

Loved friends that came into my life
Some friends that I loved made me realise that not everyone is as trustworthy as I give them credit for, and sometimes we gotta let them out of our lives
I learnt what a great country Singapore is, and how I am so fortunate to have such a good life
I learnt to TRULY appreciate the great friends I have, and how some relationships I will treasure till my last breath
I learnt how to write academically, to be organised and to be my own boss

To accept challenges out of my comfort zone
Although it didnt come to fruition, I accepted a temp role as a dance instructor for a dance group in UOW
First time choreographing and prepping to teach. Shame it didn't end up happening since classes were cancelled
Listened to 你好不好 A LOT

Point is, I learnt a lot from this year
I formed my own thesis topic
I did the recruitment all on my own
I wrote a fucking 12k+ thesis and got a HD wtf still can't believe it
I went to raves
Met people I never thought I would meet
Moved out and became the last Singaporean to remain in aussie for now
Partied in Sydney and Melb (OMG ALUMBRA WAS SOOO GOOD)
Leant to roll
Presented my thesis poster in front of academics
Got an RA job (the first post-honours Singaporean to get a job here altho I'm hardly getting paid enough to fund my expenses so fucking stupid)
Depleting my savings in sg
Hung out with people (a lot)
Hosted a party (kinda)
Never embraced my singaporean/Chinese roots so much
Gained so much weight cb but I still feel beautiful so ok la but can lose some weight if I try

I'm not doing living overseas.
Honours has ended but I have so much of my life ahead of me
Can't wait to see what the future has in store for me

Ozventures

It's been almost 3 months since I've been in oz.

I'm so thankful that I get along with the people I travelled here with.
I'm thankful for doing well in my first assignment, the most nerve-wrecking one I get submitted.

I'm pretty ahead with my thesis, and it's going great. I feel like a true researcher, gathering my data and testing participants.
I struggled a little with coming to terms with my new life, forming new social circles and balancing my academic and personal time.

#heatherinOZ

So it's been 2 weeks since I've been in Wollongong.

I must say that I've probably learnt more about myself in these 2 weeks than I did the whole of last year.

I learnt that I can miss people, miss home, and be strong enough to want to stay here rather than escape home.
I learnt that I can actually be independent, living on my own.
I learnt that I can fend for myself, to make my own adult decisions.
I learnt that I can manage my time well, balancing settling into a new place, forming new social circles, and achieving my learning goals.
I learnt what it's like to walk in the shoes of someone belonging to a minority race. Being a chinese living in Singapore, I never had faced discrimination of any sort. In Australia, on my first couple of days here, we already experienced, albeit to a minor extent, what it feels like to be on the outside looking in.

I learnt the joys of cooking. I experienced the satisfaction of preparing your own meals. I have never washed so many dishes in my life before, and wow it feels pretty darn good to feel like a fully functioning adults.
I learnt that I am so much stronger mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I would be. I got this. And I regret nothing. I'll make it through the year.
I learnt that there are so many smart and brilliant people in Honours year, and I'm so psyched to learn from them.
I learnt that Honours isn't a competition.
I learnt that no matter how much you think you know, there's always something to be learnt from everyone.
I learnt that insecurities that plagued me a year or two ago, has been unconsciously overcome and now no longer bother me.

I learnt that as much as you grow past old insecurities, new ones will always surface. But that's okay, because like the ones I overgrew, I will evolve past these new ones in time to come.

I learnt that it's perfectly okay to be afraid of what the future entails. If you ask the 18 year old me if I would ever be pursuing my studies overseas, I wouldn't have said yes. And I'm such an avid planner, I planned my education and career path since I was 16. It didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to, but I loved every experience I had so far. And I learnt so much from people I never thought I would have the chance to meet.

I learnt that it's okay to step out of my comfort zone. I've always been on the safe side, doing what I normally do. But doing something totally new on my own, such as going for a new genre of dance by myself in a city where I hardly know anyone, might make me a little uncomfortable initially. But I will always grow and adapt, and these new experiences will uniquely change the way I see the world.

I learnt that it is fine to say no to yourself. To not set expectations based on people's experiences or experiences I view from movies or shows. To be flexible, adaptable, and make my own experience unique.

I learnt that I survive. There are times when I thought I wouldn't get past an issue, or a daunting experience, but I always do.
And I learn that I make my own year, and I'm going to have a great one.

Goodbye 2016

2016 passed by in the blink of an eye.

I felt like I made so many major decisions this year. It was the year I truly felt like a grown up. I'll be leaving for Aussie in 1.5 months to study for about 9.5 months. I can't believe this is happening. It has always been my dream to study overseas and now I finally get to achieve it, while studying something I truly care about :') I'm so grateful for this opportunity and everyone who supports me through it.

I recently just planned a vacation to Bali. It was the first trip I planned myself and it was pretty exciting being in control. I'm feeling a little anxious leaving sg to be by myself overseas. even though i know people going, it's still pretty nerve wrecking, being in an unfamiliar environment on my own.

Growth

Within the blink of an eye, there's only 1.5 more months till 2017. 2016 has flew past immensely fast. Since my graduation from university in May, things have been super hectic.

I finished my 5+ month internship with E_ School. It's a special needs school for children with autism between the ages of 7-18. It was probably the most memorable job I ever had. I've always loved teaching, and always loved children. Initially, it was a bit of a culture shock seeing everything I know about mainstream school transform before my eyes. Teachers had their recesses with their students, they sat in their classes and had to ask for permission for everything to teach them social skills. They learnt social interactions in class, followed a customised schedule that catered to their individual needs and were disciplined/taught by their teachers according to their interests. The teachers put such deep thought and effort into educating their students, and that really inspired me. The children are also the most loving, sweet and sensitive children I have ever encountered. A big part of dealing with moderate to severe autistic children is that they seldomly have the capacity to lie. This makes them take everything almost literally, one of the most endearing characteristics I love about them. They speak without filter, and their love for you is genuine. Seeing some of the children upset when I told them I was leaving deeply moved me. I know for sure that they will truly miss me, the way I will miss them dearly. I have learnt so much from my time here. I learnt to be flexible, disciplined, observant and adaptable. I learnt how to specially connected with each unique individual, to help them in the ways I can and to see their growth. I teared during the AGC, seeing the students graduate and the others move up a level. It's only been 3 days since I stopped work but I already miss them terribly. I might go back there to work after my honours.

I myself am a rather rigid person. I don't deal well with major changes and hate hate haaaaate a lack of structure. Ever since graduating, structure has hardly been present in my life. The sky's the limit and the world is your oyster. Anything is possible now, but I start to question what I really want. I have always been a planner, an avid one at that. I planned to go for honours in uow, to come back to singapore and do masters in clinical psychology at either jcu or nus. To work in a psychology clinic, get married, have children and start lecturing part time in sim. After what I have experienced in E_, I struggle to find what I wanted to be what I really want. It's gonna take me a while to figure it out. But I have always had.

October Reflections

Today is one of the rare days I have nothing on. It's been a very long time (apart from the 2 days I was on MC because I was sick) that I can just relax at home with no agenda. Watched HTGAWM and the new episodes of Criminal Minds' 12th season. I had been a huge fan of CM for about 2 years and have always felt a personal connection to the characters of the shows I watch. Aaron Hotchner, the lead character of the profiling team has been fired due to an altercation with one of the crew members and he has been written off. It was really sad because when other characters leave the show, they dedicate an emotional episode to that person to help the viewers and the team gain closure. I always cry at those episodes because I feel like a dear friend of mine that I've known for a long time is leaving my life. But with Hotchner, they wrote him off without even acknowledging his departure. I guess it must be pretty crappy for the actor himself, being such a icon of CM.

I guess the difference between Hotchner's departure and the rest was that the former was fired while the rest left on their own accord to pursue other things. It gave me a revelation that everything you do at work, no matter how trivial you regard it to be, really can have a huge impact on how others view you as a person. I mean, that's something that is pretty common knowledge, but we don't really see the greater repercussions of it until we experience it for ourselves. When I work I have a rather lassez-faire attitude towards it, especially when I'm working at an intern level. Since interns hardly get any work benefits, good pay or recognition, I've never been one to really give it my all. My current internship though, I do give my all. Maybe I've matured, maybe I've found the job to be something that suits my calling, I can't seem to quite put my finger on it. A recent talk with my bf about work attitudes really inspired me to give it my all in everything I do, no matter how insignificant it might be with regards to helping me in my career. I have to be more mindful in keeping this in the back of my mind, especially because one of my biggest fears is to not hold down a job like my father hasn't been able to do. I really worry if I'll be as terrible a worker as I have been led to think that he is.

Some people say we are a reflection of our parents. I do agree to this to some extent, I just hope that I'll be able to gain their strengths and overcome their weaknesses. I get the trait of being easily affected by my external surroundings and brooding over the past from my mother. While it has helped me be more understanding and empathetic towards people, a skill necessary in my industry, I do hope that I can learn to let go of things and become more emotionally independent. The past 3.5 years have been such huge learning curves for me. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing a lot more, meeting new people or just part of my development period. There are so many thoughts clouding my mind everyday that it's difficult to truly pinpoint what's happening to my emotional and mental development despite the constant self reflection. But it's an incredible learning journey and I can feel myself getting better everyday. Although certain parts of the day make me feel down or insecure, I take comfort in knowing that I can only get better.

One of the most comforting and empowering mantras I've been thought during the period of my life I thought all hope was lost, "Everyday in every way, I'm getting better and better."

To anyone feeling somewhat lost in their journey, and to anyone who wishes to improve yourself, chant this mantra to yourself 10 times before you sleep. It might appear silly, but boy does it sure work. Just have faith.

Catch-up

Last time I blogged was almost 3 months ago. Time has been moving so fast now with me working 2 jobs and trying desperately to get my shit together. I once came across a triad of life, which allowed people to choose between 2 of the 3 benefits. You either have rest and social life, but no work; or work and rest but no social life, or the last one - what I'm currently going through - work and social life but no rest.

I can kinda feel my health deteriorating due to my hectic schedule. Work takes up so much time but I really love what I'm doing. Working with special needs children has always been my interest, and paired with teaching which is what I loved since I started tutoring. The prospect of working at my current workplace full time is very tempting, It has almost everything I look for in a career - great colleagues, working with children, teaching, and special needs. Every class I take leaves a sense of fulfillment in me and I enjoy the students, no matter how tiring or trying it can be working with special needs kids. But I have a greater goal I want to meet. I want to further my studies and become both a clinical psychologist to help more people and an academia. Rethinking my whole career prospect now.

Blessed

A few months ago, I was so ecstatic with the prospect of going overseas to study. Finally, one of my lifelong dreams since primary school was going to be fulfilled. But recent events have made that prospect dull. It is a pretty big burden financially.

Fast forward in time and I am so blessed to have the support of my family. They wholeheartedly put a lot on the line for me to be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a psychologist. And I am so lucky to find someone who unconditionally loves and cherishes me as a person. Present circumstances have opened my eyes to these, and reminded me to discard all the negativity and doubts I may have towards anyone currently in and out of my life. To leave the past where it belongs and relinquish any undesirable thoughts and emotions I might have. I used to think that I couldn't let go of negative thoughts because they were my punishment for the wrongs I have done to that person. As silly as it may sound, it did leave a trail in my life. But now I know better.

I'm so thankful for everyone currently in my life. The support I receive makes the unknown road ahead less daunting for me. How lucky am I to have wonderful people come my way, presenting themselves when I least expect it. Borrowing a quote from someone I thought touched me a lot, "I have not been blessed. I have been divinely favoured" :')

Holiday thoughts

One more week till I start work officially as an intern. And I'm sick. This 1.5months between the end of exams and start of internship flew by faster than I thought it would. I hope I'll be able to manage both internship and tutoring. As much as I want to just stop tutoring altogether, I still find it my responsibility to help my tutees until the end of the year.

Finally filled out my application form for honours. If all goes well, I'll be able to pursue my studies in Aussie. Leaving Singapore and everyone I love will be bitter sweet. So I have come to terms that in the event I do not qualify for honours, I'll still be happy here in Singapore.

Being sick and taking so many medications make me feel so drugged out. And for once my mind is more rested than ever. Controlling my impulses is so much easier too.

When I was younger I have always been a very transparent person. I don't hide who I am or what I think from others, so I was always easy to predict. Growing older made me realise that sometimes we need to hide what we think from others to save ourselves the agony of being judged. I don't really know how I feel about that, to be honest. On one hand I value transparency and genuineness in all relationships. But on the other there are just some things I wish I didn't know or hadn't divulged.

Haven't been particularly disciplined in achieving the goals I set for myself during this holidays. But I'm ok with it. Sometimes it just gets to tiring constantly striving to achieve something. Sometimes I just want a break to unwind before the storm hits again.

On the bright side, I have been able to catch up on some shows I've been meaning to. Once upon a time was one of my fav series to watch, simply because it entails fairy tales in a modern context, with crossovers between stories. The writers are so amazing, the way they weave intricate details and links between characters. Although I must say the show is kinda deteriorating.

Till next time.

Self-Actualization

Self actualization is the realization or fulfilment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

I have always felt that the biggest hindrance in my path towards self actualization is my fear of control and risk-taking. This is something that I've mentioned numerous times in previous posts, Today a close friend confided in me about a situation she was facing. She is someone who I've sort of grown up with, had our fair share of tiffs and seen emotionally vulnerable. We share similar features in that we are both over thinkers and tend to take things a bit too personally. 

So listening to her situation, I saw how she reacted in the same way I would have reacted if the same thing happened to me. But because I was an impartial third party, I managed to view how destructive my way of thinking was. Giving her advice really helped open my eyes to how I need to stop taking things personally and feeling entitled to things from other people. It only leads to detrimental feelings between people and self-inflicted emotional wounds. 

And to my friend who might happen to see this, this isn't a personal attack on your situation; just a reflection of what I learnt from it.

Post Exam Babble

There are so many thoughts racing through my head at the moment.

I thought that everything would be dandy after the end of my examinations. Growing up, I hated change and uncertainty. Which is why I am so so grateful that I took precautions to avoid the empty feeling most psyc students reported after they graduated. Empty because without postgraduate, one cannot become a psychologist. Without pursuing a career in psychology, one must then decide which industry to go into. Which might mean that the past 3 years invested in a psyc degree might be moot, although the skills learnt can be extrapolated and applied to everyday life. I was lucky in securing a pretty prestigious internship with a special ed school before my exams. Thus, I was able to comfortably prepare for my examinations with the assurance that I had solid plans after graduating. The 1.5 months between the end of my exams and the start of the internship is to be filled with giving tuitions almost everyday. Weekends were for boyfriend/church. My birthday falls on a Sunday, so no need for the administrative bother of taking leave. Applications for honor and then hopefully flying off to Aussie in Feb 2017. Internship was going to end in mid-Nov, leaving me sufficient time to tie up loose ends and prep for my leave.

Everything is planned until next year. So for that I am at peace. I guess being overly anxious about the future does lead to pretty awesome planning skills, if I do say so myself. I'm still trying to let go of my need for control though. Although what you just read might seem pretty ironic with respects to that previous declaration, I must clarify that what I need to let go of is my need for control, not order. I feel that being overly perfectionistic in my own life might lead to me displacing some of these high expectations on the people around me. Especially those I love. And it makes me sad to do that, because I realised it's not fair to demand high standards from everyone and everything. I used to get irritated when people couldn't meet that expectations, but after studying psychology, I really feel like I grew as a person. Some people might make the claim that psychology is 'commonsense'. Well, psychology is the study of people, and people being people, of course understand people to some extent. There are so much more that psychology offers that is being taken for granted. But that is tangential to the point I'm making. Studying psychology really makes me mindful to viewing things from other's perspective. Empathy and genuineness are two of the most difficult things to teach. Studying psyc has led me to (some extent) learn to calm down, take a step backwards and examine the whole situations by being in someone else's shoes.

It's a pretty irritating skill to have, because I realised I can't remain mad at someone forever because I'll know why they are behaving the way they are. I've been keeping a lot of my deeper feelings to myself because I'm afraid that I might hurt those around me. But I'm working towards changing my attitudes on lots of things in my life, via CBT. The first step towards being a great psychologist is to get rid of one's excess baggage first. And I will get there.

New Chapter

10.05.16

Today marks the day of my final examinations. Like FINAL examinations. For my BSc Psychology degree, anyway. I have unofficially graduated from UOW.

The past 3 years have been filled with such eye opening and inspiring experiences. I can say that I probably learnt more in the past 3 years than I did half my life. When I first entered UOW/SIM I felt really crestfallen as the reason I was in here and not NUS or NTU was because I didn't do well for A levels. Having excelled in my studies since primary school, it was a huge blow to my ego. I made a decision that most people wouldn't have in my case - I decided to go to private university and study what I love, instead of settle for any course in local university. After all, your uni course mostly decides your career path, right?

Studying what I love brought back the motivation I needed to get back on the academic bandwagon I fell off. I worked hard and played hard. I met amazing people and some not-so-amazing ones. I lost people from my life, purged people from my life and accepted people I never thought I would give a place in my world. I learnt so much about taking chances, taking risks and embracing failure. I celebrated success, grew more as a person, and stepped out of my comfort zone. Not everyone gets to have a permanent class in uni for 3 years, but I did. Our small cohort led to us having a cozy and familiar social setting to greet our day with. Even though I did not interact too much with every single member of my class, I truly appreciated their role, no matter small or big, they had to play on my personal development.

Today is the day I leave SIM. I originally thought that I wouldn't be upset graduating, as my course requires I pursue postgraduate for at least another 3 years before I can practise psychology. But it does leave a sting on my heart that my time here is up. 3 beautiful, crazy and magical years. I am truly honoured to have been a part of this experience, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thank you SIM, for being a significant milestone in my life.

Little Lessons on Happiness

Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I have an issue with control. I have a constant need to be in control all the time. Throw in a load of perfectionism and you get someone who expects maybe just a little too much of others. Anywho, after years of battling being upset/disappointed by people, I've discovered some little tips that might just be the path towards self happiness.

1. Recognise that happiness is a product of one's mentality
Happiness is abstract. There is no universal criteria for happiness, it stems from how much one values something/someone. My lecturer once told me something that stuck with me for life "we are responsible for our own distress". This explains why some people are exceptionally affected over an event, while others experiencing the same issue can remain calm and collected. So keep calming yourself, reassure yourself and know that your happiness isn't in anyone's control but yours.

2. Do one thing at a time
In a world where efficiency and speed expected for many jobs/life in general, trying to do everything at once might lead to you getting nothing done at all. Having too many things going on at the same time can lead to unnecessary mental stress, which takes a toll on your happiness without offering any productivity. This is something I'm guilty of often. I have so much to do that trying to do everything at once exacerbates my stress tenfold. Currently, I am opening the facebook tabs necessary for recruitment, planning my study schedule, researching potential living areas in Australia, and trying to do my online assignments all at once. This isn't very productive right now.

3. Lower your expectations
Ok so I'm the queen of having expectations. Especially for people I care about. But people can't always live up to your standards, and it's unfair on both you and the ones you love to have to live by a benchmark. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself of point number 1 when you find yourself mulling over this.

4. Go have fun
Positivity is a product of your surroundings. Being in a negative environment will unconsciously have an effect on your mentality, causing you to feel more depressed than you actually are. Surround yourself with positive people, positive vibes and positive energy! Go out, get some fresh air and sunlight, and have a blast. Whenever I've been feeling pent up and stressed, a night out with my friends or a date night will always bring my mood up!

Whirlwind in my head

Have you ever been so wrapped up in thinking, that you feel a tornado forming in your brain? When you start with one innocent thought and it just spirals out of control. Your brain is reacting so quickly and forming new opinions and images that you just can't keep it in order anymore. One thought leads to the next and BAM it's like Kansas during tornado season.

This has been a rest week for me. It has been pretty nice, having a break from the stressful life. This year has been pretty ok so far, not the successful one that I hoped I would have but hey, instant gratification can't be expected for long term plans, can it?

I haven't been extremely successful at what I was aiming for, and it kinda bummed me out. I haven't been known to take rejection well. In fact, I take it to the opposite of well. Been trying to change my perspective on rejection but baby steps. Just crossing my fingers that everything will work out for the better.

There are so many things in my mind now, I can't keep up with them. Been meaning to write them down here but I haven't had the time and space to do so. Till later on.

Update

Read through some of my older blog posts and realised there were so many grammatical errors. I usually blog when I'm filled with emotions or full of inspiration and my typing speed just can't keep up with my train of thought. So it's to no shock that I would make some errors and simply be too emotionally liberated/exhausted at the end of the post to reread everything and edit them. But it doesn't matter anyway, I don't think there are much people keeping up with this blog.

This is one of the times where I feel no emotions welling up deep inside me to want to blog. It's just a normal update, kinda like what a blog was created for, back in secondary school. My tuition jobs have been going well, but kinda been spending a lot in Jan 2016 already omg. School bidding went a lot smoother than expected, I managed to get my first choices and my schedule is very well spread out. I should have time for friends/studies/work. On another side of school, I feel 0% motivation to go back for dance. Ever since Duality, I have such a bad impression of being in the club that I feel no longing to go for trainings. Which is really sad because I improved so much since day 1 and I would never give anything up to go for trainings when I first entered. And I can feel myself improving gradually and being more confident but sadly, I don't feel like I belong in DWZ. I have plenty of friends there and can catch up during training but there's just something missing, and I have no idea what that is.

I thought about just quitting DWZ but a part of me wants to get back the passion for dance. To be really good at something, you know. I haven't really found my calling in life and I feel that bits and pieces of what I love will somehow mould me so I get a better look at who I am.

This year made me feel more like an adult. Like the butterfly which just emerged from its cocoon, the world might seem a little strange from a new perspective. But it's a new adventure. Just hope I'm up for the ride.

Bed thoughts.

So I took my driving test for the first time today and failed. And by quite a lot. I would say that 90% of it was due to my mentality when I struck the kerb during the start of my test. I was so nervous that i tossed everything I learnt out the (car) window and did much worse than I had practiced for during lessons. 

I prayed so hard to pass it, and actually many things were in my favor. I got the best timing, having the test during the time I usually take my lessons. It wasn't raining and there weren't many cars on the road. Being a perfectionist who can't handle rejections well, it is no surprise today that I didn't take the failure well when I first heard it. Took all the courage I had in my body to not tear in front of the tester. 

But I learnt something from this, which is why I felt the urge to blog about it. I wished that 2016 would be a year of success for me. And it will be. But it is naive to wish that everything I come across will go in my way, because life doesn't work that way. I would say that I've been so sheltered and fortunate for a major part of my life that I can confidently say life always went my way. It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised it didn't. But it was a good wake up call and an enriching experience. During this period of "awakening" I felt myself grow and blossom and learn like I've never done in my life. This thing is but a minor setback, a little thorn amongst the rose bushes of life that I am still living. 

So I change what I want of 2016. Do not let it be a year just of success. Let it be the most enriching year, full of obstacles that I can conquer, full of learning experiences shall I not, and most importantly, full of optimism. 

2016

I compiled a blog draft of my reflections in 2015, but there were just too many things to reflect on this year so I decided to start another one.

2015 whizzed by in the blink of an eye and here we are, in another leap year. I love leap years, something about having an extra day in the year just makes it something special. Like how every once in 4 years we have another 24 hours in the shortest month of the year, how the date 29 February holds some astronomical significance that it almost, romantic.

I digress. 2015 was mostly full of ups, fortunately. But time passed by so fast I hardly knew what hit me before it was over.

I was nominated by my lecturer to partake in an international convention, Spotlight Singapore Mexico City 2015. I was one of the 8 student delegates chosen to go, and the only one from Psychology. Learnt a lot, more importantly how I was able to be culturally intelligent. I was the one who got along best with the foreigners. I trained my public speaking skills, and was flexible in my first networking session, especially with people who weren't in my field of interest. Plus it was awesome flying to the other side of the world. I didn't fancy the food much, but I love the architecture, the atmosphere and the people.

Completed 5/6 of my uni life. Thank God for blessing me throughout my uni life and constantly giving me encouragement/solace and opportunities to make my uni life fulfilling,

Got my first office job. I worked for Stamford Education and did a lot more learning than expected. Even though I wasn't doing the type of research I would have liked to contribute, I learnt content writing, marketing, brand auditing, events planning, hosting, social media management and many more. Grateful to have gained so much valuable experience.

My first anniversary with a boyfriend. Although it didn't go the way I thought it would have, it was amazing nonetheless. I learnt so much from this relationship and I'm constantly growing and improving myself as a girlfriend and human being. So thankful to have ht in my life. 2016 will be an even better year for us <3

Danced my second production. I didnt really enjoy the experience. I would rate it a 2/10 actually. Felt shitty as a dancer most of the time and didn't really feel like I improved as a dancer from this production. Still very grateful to have so many people supporting me and cheering me on

My 21st birthday party. I didn't want to have one initially but I'm so glad I did in the end. This was the moment in my life that I actually felt so damn lucky. Seeing how my relatives postponed their flights to come to my party, how my aunts went around collecting my cake, ensuring everything was perfect for me. My closest friends who knew how much of a perfectionist I was and coming early to do my set up. Sukaa came to decorate my scrapbook cover. Rosa helped me throughout the planning process, Nicky and Jiaxin helped immensely with the booking, vetting, planning and logistics. Ak and Jas came all the way to Jurong freaking East and sat with me for hours doing my scrapbook. My sis helped me with ordering of things online and advising me on decor/cake. Hengthye helped so much on scene, ensuring everyone is ok and that the flow was not interrupted. Wanping came all the way from the airport the moment she touched down, just to surprise me. CAG and RYB were the most efficient team, making sure everyone wrote in the scrapbook. The amount of messages asking if I needed more help was so touching, that people truly care so much about me. My family, with their unconditional support, they made sure everyone had enough food and that I had the party I dreamt of. I didn't have a proper theme, but I had everyone and everything I love as a theme and that made that night so magical. When I was exhausted and tired my girls pulled me away and made sure I sat and had enough food and drink. They were my make up team, my dress up team, decor team, photography team and everything more. I love everyone in my life and am truly so touched by the people I have. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such beautiful people :')

Travelled with my ahma and my sis. We went to Japan and although we went on tour, it was the first time I was in charge of the trip. I thought it would be difficult at first, handling my ahma and my sis but it was a lot better than expected. I felt accomplished at the end of the trip. Oh, and I saw snow for the first time! :D

Tuition. I decided to go 'full time' tutoring and increased my rate a lot. When I first started as a tutor, I had a lot of doubts about my abilities and whether I would be a good tutor. Thus, when some students dropped me I took it very personally and was pretty upset and even afraid to offend any of my clients so that they would keep me. But now that I'm so much better I took a brave step and made my value much higher. To my surprise (and delight) almost all of them were ok with it and that made me feel so much better about myself and my capacity. I'm getting paid well now and I'm hoping I only get better.

Adult ready. I stopped taking allowance from my family. It's pretty common for most of my friends to still be getting allowance but in SIM a lot of my friends are v self sufficient, some even paying their own bills/sch fees like wtf are you human?!?! But they are, and it proves that I can be self sufficient too. It look courage and a lot of willpower to tell my mum not to give me allowance but it is liberating and I regret nothing. Even though she's still paying for my last semester in uni and my bills, it's baby steps to becoming a full-fledge adult. Nevertheless, I'm still proud of myself :)

Got a belly piercing, hehe. Something that I found so sexy for a very long time and after much pain, I GOT IT WAHOO.

All in all, it was a good year. Gonna keep improving myself, hopefully I can be a better dancer, student, writer, tutor, girlfriend.

I was going through a comprehension with my Tutee yesterday and we did a passage on tattoos. 

I've wanted the words "just breathe" tattooed on the back of my right shoulder  since 2010. The same font, same location. So I guess it's pretty safe that I didn't want it in the heat of the moment.

2010 was a tough point in my life. It was the period where something really drastic happened and that led to me changing quite a big part of my life and myself. It's something that I haven't felt comfortable enough to speak to anyone about up till this day and tbh I don't really know if I will ever divulge this. Anyway, it was at that moment when I felt so down that the inspiration for this tattoo came to me. 

The tattoo was inspired by the translation of the Chinese characters 呼吸. That was what my grandmother used to say to me when I spent several nights crying till I nearly got a panic attack and she would just hold my hand and say those words to me. 

Tattoos used to be a religious symbol for tribes. Now, it has become an extension of body art, of self expression and a need for individuality. Many have told me not to get the tattoo because of tattoo regret, but I don't know I'm really inspired to get it now. Maybe one day I will

25 sep

life is good. :)

driving was fun today i had a different instructor and he played pop musics while we drove.

i got to drive out myself and i cleared my module pretty fast

getting more confident driving now (Y)

the uber cab i called came super fast and i reached school in time to catch up with stats

managed to submit my stats assignment and got full marks for cognition quiz :D can i get a whatwhat bc cognition is such a tedious module

spoke to nicky and managed to get some htht in despite being in school

it's my official chinese birthday today so i get the mianxian w the red egg which doesn't really taste different from regular egg but it's cool because maybe it's been blessed or something idk actually

HTGAWM SEASON 2 IS FINALLY OUT TODAY WAHOOOOO

and i finally understood what's been getting me down lately. i might finally have a solution

all in all, t'was good day :)