Self-updating

It's the second week of school and it has been thoroughly exhausting waking up for morning lessons everyday :O zzz (my face when my alarm sounds and wakes me up from my lalaland)

I like being busy though. I like having a routine and being organised. It distracts me from the now, and when things get stagnant my imagination runs wild and I find myself drowning in a pool of insecurity and self-deprecation. Still can't come to terms with the fact that I'm now a year 3 psychology student. The past 2 years of learning has been fun, but I admit that I've been able to kinda slack off in class and still score well. Now year 3 is the make or break year. I attended the honors talk by one of the Australian professors and it's so competitive :O The amount of people getting accepted is only 50-60, with 8 of them being from Singapore this year. At this moment I really want to attend honors because it's gonna be an adventure and one of the things I yearn to do most since I was little, to study overseas. Everyone that went on exchanges had pleasant things to say about them, and I would want an opportunity to stand on my own feet in a foreign country and indulge in these learning experiences that seem to apply to every country. To meet new people, to taste new food and probably get into trouble.

But another part of me is pretty reluctant to go. Much of it stems from the fact that I'm in a stable relationship and I'm so afraid of what one year apart can do to us. Just the thought of leaving him for 9 days to Mexico City made me so sad. I cannot fathom how I can survive one year away. Maybe these insecurities will fade away with time.

Dance-wise. Production is coming and it's pretty fucked up. I shan't say much but it is. It basically should be the subjects of a learned helplessness experiment because it so much embodies every aspect of the psychology theory.

I'm going to volunteer at IMH this Saturday. My friend recommended me to the supervisor and I'm both nervous and excited about it. Hopefully helping other people will help me find some meaning in my life. God that sounded so hopelessly depressing. What I meant was that maybe it can provide some direction in what I'm meant to do to help people in the future.

Untitled

I have been doing some self reflection lately. 

These last few days/months, attribute it to mother nature's blessing of PMS or a lack of direction in my life, has been riddled with self serving questions. With that comes an overwhelming amount of insecurity of what the hell I'm doing with my life. 

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions or selecting my priorities correctly. But that's the beauty of life, it's filled with so many options and opportunities that come a'knocking on your front door that you never know if there is an ideal answer. One of my biggest personal obstacle is the inability to dissociate myself from the past. Everything that has happened from 18 September 1994 to this very day molded me to be the person I am today. And while I am still on the journey to figure out who this person is, I live in the past.

Episodes from years ago replay in my head and I can't get over certain paths I've taken but I'm glad I made those choices. 

This feeling of insecurity and uncertainty is shrouding me from enjoying what my peers my age are enjoying right now. I like being ahead of my peers and gaining an advantage to what this big scary infamous "real world" is like, but other times I just need to let my hair down and be totally irresponsible. 

Be young, impulsive, spend money on shoes, splurge on concerts, meet new people from all over the world, have unprotected sex, take joyrides, go to cafes, skinny dip, club hop, keep a diary of all my adventures like I used to. 

 

Why you should read instead of watch

With the omnipresence of various television programmes and movies to satiate our need for visual entertainment, how many of us still read?

By reading I don't mean scrolling through the neverending feeds of social media, reading about why a certain clothing brand is the best, people's unyielding arguments online or about a friend's latest shenanigans in a new foreign country. I mean pick up a book, sit down in a coffee shop and just let the world around you drone into this blur. When you read, you teleport from the place you are at into this fictitious wonderful world. A world which you conjured, where the trees can be blue and the stream flowing a baby lavender. Where pigs can fly and the sky's not even a limit. You can step into a closet and find yourself in a winter wonderland called Narnia, travel through time and places, and possess any powers you can ever fathom.

Reading lets you escape into a world where the most magical things can happen. You are the owner of your imagination, and the places you travel to are limited only by the parameters of your imagination - which runs infinite across galaxies.

Reading feeds your soul, your creativity. It fuels your lust for wonder and excitement. You watch as the black and white combinations of words on the page transform into a picturesque scene. The author tells one story, but you interpret and view it as your own. Different people can look at the same words and see distinct images. You see what you read, and what this ability to change what someone writes into moving images in your mind is amazing.

It's the best gift I have ever discovered ever since I was reading Enid Blyton as a little girl. As a young child the fertility of your imagination is discovered as you dive into the experience of creating your own little world, a little bubble to escape to, everytime you pick up a book. It's a world which you create alone, but you never truly are. You're surrounded with mystical creatures, heroes, villains and talking animals. You witness magic, enchantment and wanderlust. This sense of power and awe that one experiences through reading is probably the reason why a movie has never been better than the book. One can never find a series of motion pictures put together by the best director, characters depicted by the best actors/actresses Hollywood can buy, better than the scenes produced by the spinning wheels of one's imagination.

It's a lost art, with ebooks and online articles and the glamorization of visual entertainment. Put down your movie tickets, iPads and handphones. Pick up a book.

Metamorphosis

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

― Plato, The Symposium


I read this some time ago, but it came to my memory only when someone mentioned it today. I adore Greek mythology, tarot card readings, magic and most pseudo sciences as much as the next guy. When people speak of romance and relationships, terms such as the ultimate search for one's "other half" has been stereotyped to be the shiny pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This mystifying idea of someone that has been allegedly created for you, that is specifically engineered to be your perfect fit in a puzzle, is one that I ascribe to. Now. Whenever someone gets out of a relationship and feel terrible, most people's comfort to the unfortunate soul is "don't worry, he/she probably wasn't the one for you. Your soul mate is still out there somewhere"

I read this article, a hypothesised world that every human being had an electronic bracelet embedded on their wrist, much like the ones in the move In Time. But instead of stating the time of your death, counted down to the exact moment you will make contact with your soul mate. In the story, many people didn't want the ruined novelty of having fate tell you exactly when the person you will spend the rest of your life with will surface. We wish to have a hold, a sense of power, over our destiny and with that comes the need for free will. Especially in affairs of the heart, where the soul is deemed to be the main reason that distinguishes human beings from other species. Our soul is what makes us us, what differentiates from us artificial intelligence created robots (as evident in the movie Never Let Me Go - but I digress).

I wouldn't say that I grew up in an incomplete environment - despite the fact that my dad was nonexistent for most parts of my life, my other family members more than made up for it. I was nurtured in a caring and supportive environment, with sufficient food on my plate and more love than I could ask for. I am lucky. One thing that stuck with me through childhood was viewing my parents' relationship transform from a small crack in their marriage to a dilapidated building crumbling to pieces after being struck by an atomic bomb. At a young age, I witnessed my father hitting my mother, my mother crying and hiding the fact that my dad was on the edge of walking out on us from the children, my father cheating on my mother with one of their friends and my mother doing everything she can to make up for the fact that while my father was alive and well, he did not exist in my world.

I learnt of this process called triangulation - where when relationships between 2 people experience tension, they spread this tension over 3 relationships by triangulating a third party. Being the eldest of the 3 children, my mother chose to confide in my secrets of my father's affairs. Additionally, whenever my father wanted to make excuses to go out and see his "friend" who I was well aware was his mistress, I had to keep secrets from my siblings and mother. With experiences like this I was told by almost all the female members of my family to not trust any guy. Growing up in 10 years of girls' school fuelled this feministic mindset that all guys were bad and that they were not to be trusted.

So of course, this is accompanied by a few years of me using guys and hurting them, being afraid of commitment and ruining some of my closest friendships. Up until last year, I didn't believe that any one guy is enough for me to be both physically and emotionally satisfied with. I didn't believe in forever, and that I could be happy with just one person. Suddenly it was like I metamorphosed and the part of me that was always unsatisfied with relationships and filled with mistrust started to fade away.

Zeus was afraid of the power humans can have should they find their other halves. It took me a while, but I think I finally got it right.

Which wolf wins? 

"The one you feed"

Now I lay me down to sleep

In a paddy field, paddy cakes

2005 when mimosas were the wonders of the world

Broken shards scattered on the floor

Blood-soaked carcass on the lawn 

"With no hands"

Sing me a lullaby, a mellow one about raindrops 

Snowflakes that fall on my nose and eyelashes 

Tip of the iceberg, subconscious wallowing deeply fear

That light....the angle

Fish illuminates

I am drawn 

I am gentle

I am torn

No kindness

Not now

Up looking trees, uplifting skies

Zeus and hades both have eyes 

Which wolf will win

Which will prevail

Feed the one and it will not fail

Lucky

This is my first post of 2015.

Looking back on 2014, most of my posts have been highly negative. I guess this stems from the reason that it takes me a lot of anger and distress to channel all my negative energy into this ball of hot fury that results in me typing furiously on my keyboard, penning down everything that's on my mind. I write my anger out, and sometimes that's what I need to do to get things out of my system.

I don't feel any difference between 2014 and 2015. I mean, physically. The place I'm residing in, my friends, my family are all the same. So technically if all calendars were destroyed and there was no way to keep track of dates, I wouldn't know that we were entering a new year. But we celebrate the new year nonetheless, and I love new year's celebration. It's a symbolic thing, getting together with people you care about and bade the old year goodbye while welcoming the start of a new year. I like to leave behind any shred of regret or bad experience and embrace the warm and fuzzy feeling of hope another year brings. So now comes the metamorphosis.

I'm turning 21 this year. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but rather to society, as this is the age I legally become an adult in the eyes of the modern businessmen. Transitioning from a teenager to an adult, despite me not feeling a physical difference, can bring about psychological and mental changes. Perhaps my module this semester in Development psychology can shine some light on the situation. But I digress. Embarking on a new chapter/stage/phase in my life definitely warrants some reflection on my life thus far, which is the main objective of this post.

"Lucky"

The "" doesn't mean that I'm being sarcastic or anything. It's just what I feel summarise my life so far. While I do admit that living a good life still requires your mental and emotional capabilities, coupled with your ability to function well as a member of society, luck still does play a part. It doesn't insinuate that I've just had everything served to me on a silver platter, nor was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I used to think that I was a pretty lucky kid. I got to go where I wanted to, got to make wonderful friends, excel academically and in my CCAs, and life turned out pretty much the way I wanted to. Sometimes I think that it's a higher being or my waigong watching over me, protecting me from the "evils" of the world, or guiding the universe to be in line with a small girl's view.

I am lucky. And I don't mean that in the hoity-toity-I'm-better-than-everybody kind of way. I'm grateful for the people that have been/am still in my life, grateful for the family that always stands by me through my ups and downs, the genuine friends that care for me. And I feel that I haven't necessarily appreciated them as thoroughly as I would have liked to, so this year is my way of saying thank you. Thank you to every single person that has come and left their footprint in my life, as corny as that sounds.

These few years most of my problems have circled around grades or relationships. So now it's time for me to do them justice and give thanks to those parties involved.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have dated really wonderful guys. Every guy that I've dated was a genuine, loving and sincere guy and I couldn't be more thankful than that. I've never dated anyone who was a total jerk or player. They were charming in their own way. They displayed real care for others. They pampered me. They treated me like royalty, like how I imagined the Disney princes treated their princesses. They showered me with love and attention, and put my well-being in their highest regard. They were serious about me, in the relationship to make it last. Sometimes I feel that they love me more than I love myself. I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have met really good guys :)




So to everyone that have walked the path with me, thank you for making me lucky :)

2014

2014 has been one of the most emotionally draining, uplifting, confusing, amazing, unexpected, dramatized, thought-provoking and significant years of my life.

It was the year I took my first overseas trip with my friends

It was the year I first got food poisoning from the seafood from said overseas trip

It was the first time I went to a country while riots were going on (bkk)

It was the first time I went to a Disney themed party ^_^

It was the first time I spent the whole day (and night) of valentine’s day with someone special

It was the first time I received a pink glitter rose J

It was the first time I celebrated a guy’s ORD

It was the first time I panicked during a performance (jr showcase)

It was the first time I did learnt a baby freeze

It was the first time I handled a camp group of over 9 guys (and I wanted to die screaming at them to listen to me lol)

It was the first time I watched a dance battle

It was the first time I rode in a car driven by someone who wasn’t over 30

It was the first time I got to navigate a car (and I got us lost double lol)

It was the first time I went to a Halloween event at a club

It was the first time I cooked pasta for somebody’s birthday

It was the first time I (half-drunk) went to somebody’s house in the middle of the night

It was the first time I learnt not to tell people too much

It was the first time an elephant touched me against my will

It was the first time I jumped I went to adventure cove (and found it to be pretty lame)

It was the first time I witnessed a real life contortionist and a guy who put chains attached to a weight through his tongue and nose and swallowed a sword (I puked a little inside)

It was the first time I ordered from taobao (idek why this is here)

It was the first time ate salmon without being forced to (and started loving it since)

It was the first time I had to say goodbye to a close friend who was going overseas for a period of time

It was the first time I felt intimidated by other girls

It was the first time I started caring about how I can be a better girlfriend

It was the first time I lost confidence in psychology as a future career L

It was the first time I got on a dean’s list

It was the first time I got rejected from a scholarship

It was the first time I visited IMH

It was the first time I watched a locking showdown

It was the first time I went to a bar in Holland village

It was the first time my age started w a 2

It was the first time I worked as a dancer

It was the first time I took on more tuition jobs than I ever did

It was the first time I went blonde (tips)

It was the first time I performed for a production

It was the first time I acted as a bird for more than half of an item LOL

It was the first time I felt insecure in a relationship

It was the first time I felt slightly more confident about my dancing

It was the first time I discovered the joys of blasting spotify playlists in the shower

It was the first time I ate a durian cream puff

It was the first time I bought a polaroid as a birthday present

It was the first time I went to 2 concerts for free (knf and kurt)

It was the first time I washed dishes at a friend’s house

It was the first time I cried so much since my waigong’s funeral

It was the first time I felt so much in love with someone to the extent where I can see a future that enters marriage

It was the first time I picked up learning guitar

It was the first time I surprised someone for her birthday at midnight

It was the first time I nearly died of period cramps

It was the first time my boobs shrank *cries

It was the first time I sewed my own costume/altered my own clothes

It was the first time I put someone’s wallpaper on my desktop screen

It was the first time I let a boy paint my nails (can’t really rmb if this was in late 2013 or early 2014)

It was the first time I got over my fear of dogs

It was the first time I visited a dog café

It was the first time I got a prada bag heheh omg this is an accomplishment please do not judge

It was the first time I found people out of my class that shares the same deep passionate love in psychology as I do

It was the first time I learnt so much about business

It was the first time I cried on someone’s shoulders who I’ve met twice in my life

It was the first time I got asked to leave a club (long story)

It was the first time I drank sheridan’s (love)

It was the first time I got surprised at midnight on my birthday <3

It was the first time I bought a couple t-shirt

It was the first time I ran for fun after my last napfa in 2012

It was the first time I felt accomplished as a tutor

It was the first time I experienced a breakup

It was the first time I felt like using a time turner to go back to 5 minutes before I said something

It was the first time I worried about money and my life about graduation

It was the first time I felt like honesty isn’t always the best policy

It was the first time I felt so many mixed emotions about my social life

It was the first time I slept with someone who I wasn’t in a relationship with

It was the first time I enjoy my own company amongst other people

It was the first time I feel so young amongst my friends

It was the first time said youngness makes me feel like I haven’t lived enough and experienced enough before I start taking on more responsibilities

It was the first time I feel like I can trust someone to take care of me in the future

It was the first time I ate a wrap at macdonalds (again, idek why this is here)

It was the first time I went to a beach party

It was the first time wore a bikini

It was the first time I drank to the extent I puked

It was the first time I played circle of death and got so many dares

It was the first time I got the king’s cup (but daryl and bryan helped me drink most of it thank you guys)

It was the first time actually felt so much pain from the uterus that I bought the pink panadol

It was the first time I felt invisible during trainings

It was the first time ‘performed’ a lot more at a lot of different places

It was the first time I did a group graded presentation in university

It was the first time I worked as a calafare in a credit card advertisement

It was the first time I took on a modeling job with a shoe company

It was the first time I went to one-altitude

It was the first time I had a root canal operation

It was the first time I went white water rafting since 2008

It was the first time I became more financially independent

It was the first time one of my boob fell out of my bikini and I might had flashed a lifeguard fml

It was the first time I cried studying during university

It was the first time I copied my friend’s assignment, which was graded for a module

It was the first time I was so involved in dance that I neglected my friends, family and schoolwork

It was the first time I dated somebody from the same school and cca

It was the first time received a Swarovski necklace in the shape of a heart

It was the first time I made mashed potato

There are so many more firsts that 2014 has let me experienced, but I can’t seem to recall them at the moment. It is the most significant year of my life where so much has happened, so many different emotions felt, and I experienced the most mental and emotional instability I have probably experienced my whole life lol. But downs aside, 2014 has its ups as well. I got to know myself better as a person, what I want in life and how I can become a better person. I’m still a work in progress (preferably a diamond in the rough), but I’ll get there soon. It’s not December yet and this year has passed by in the blink of an eye, with everything going on, so I found it in myself to sit down and pen these thoughts down before time slips away again.

Hopefully I’ll be adding ‘It was the first time I got an internship” and other good memories onto my list in the next 1.5 months I have left of 2014. May 2015 be a better year with a lot less drama and a whole lot more ups. Please let me be more secure and confident of myself and take things in stride. My greatest wish for 2015 (and onwards) will be better emotional/mental stability and fulfillment. *sincerely hopes and prays

I don’t think I can take anymore downs for now. But it was still a great year, and I’ve learnt so much from everything I experienced, good or bad.