Blessed

A few months ago, I was so ecstatic with the prospect of going overseas to study. Finally, one of my lifelong dreams since primary school was going to be fulfilled. But recent events have made that prospect dull. It is a pretty big burden financially.

Fast forward in time and I am so blessed to have the support of my family. They wholeheartedly put a lot on the line for me to be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a psychologist. And I am so lucky to find someone who unconditionally loves and cherishes me as a person. Present circumstances have opened my eyes to these, and reminded me to discard all the negativity and doubts I may have towards anyone currently in and out of my life. To leave the past where it belongs and relinquish any undesirable thoughts and emotions I might have. I used to think that I couldn't let go of negative thoughts because they were my punishment for the wrongs I have done to that person. As silly as it may sound, it did leave a trail in my life. But now I know better.

I'm so thankful for everyone currently in my life. The support I receive makes the unknown road ahead less daunting for me. How lucky am I to have wonderful people come my way, presenting themselves when I least expect it. Borrowing a quote from someone I thought touched me a lot, "I have not been blessed. I have been divinely favoured" :')

Holiday thoughts

One more week till I start work officially as an intern. And I'm sick. This 1.5months between the end of exams and start of internship flew by faster than I thought it would. I hope I'll be able to manage both internship and tutoring. As much as I want to just stop tutoring altogether, I still find it my responsibility to help my tutees until the end of the year.

Finally filled out my application form for honours. If all goes well, I'll be able to pursue my studies in Aussie. Leaving Singapore and everyone I love will be bitter sweet. So I have come to terms that in the event I do not qualify for honours, I'll still be happy here in Singapore.

Being sick and taking so many medications make me feel so drugged out. And for once my mind is more rested than ever. Controlling my impulses is so much easier too.

When I was younger I have always been a very transparent person. I don't hide who I am or what I think from others, so I was always easy to predict. Growing older made me realise that sometimes we need to hide what we think from others to save ourselves the agony of being judged. I don't really know how I feel about that, to be honest. On one hand I value transparency and genuineness in all relationships. But on the other there are just some things I wish I didn't know or hadn't divulged.

Haven't been particularly disciplined in achieving the goals I set for myself during this holidays. But I'm ok with it. Sometimes it just gets to tiring constantly striving to achieve something. Sometimes I just want a break to unwind before the storm hits again.

On the bright side, I have been able to catch up on some shows I've been meaning to. Once upon a time was one of my fav series to watch, simply because it entails fairy tales in a modern context, with crossovers between stories. The writers are so amazing, the way they weave intricate details and links between characters. Although I must say the show is kinda deteriorating.

Till next time.

Self-Actualization

Self actualization is the realization or fulfilment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

I have always felt that the biggest hindrance in my path towards self actualization is my fear of control and risk-taking. This is something that I've mentioned numerous times in previous posts, Today a close friend confided in me about a situation she was facing. She is someone who I've sort of grown up with, had our fair share of tiffs and seen emotionally vulnerable. We share similar features in that we are both over thinkers and tend to take things a bit too personally. 

So listening to her situation, I saw how she reacted in the same way I would have reacted if the same thing happened to me. But because I was an impartial third party, I managed to view how destructive my way of thinking was. Giving her advice really helped open my eyes to how I need to stop taking things personally and feeling entitled to things from other people. It only leads to detrimental feelings between people and self-inflicted emotional wounds. 

And to my friend who might happen to see this, this isn't a personal attack on your situation; just a reflection of what I learnt from it.

Post Exam Babble

There are so many thoughts racing through my head at the moment.

I thought that everything would be dandy after the end of my examinations. Growing up, I hated change and uncertainty. Which is why I am so so grateful that I took precautions to avoid the empty feeling most psyc students reported after they graduated. Empty because without postgraduate, one cannot become a psychologist. Without pursuing a career in psychology, one must then decide which industry to go into. Which might mean that the past 3 years invested in a psyc degree might be moot, although the skills learnt can be extrapolated and applied to everyday life. I was lucky in securing a pretty prestigious internship with a special ed school before my exams. Thus, I was able to comfortably prepare for my examinations with the assurance that I had solid plans after graduating. The 1.5 months between the end of my exams and the start of the internship is to be filled with giving tuitions almost everyday. Weekends were for boyfriend/church. My birthday falls on a Sunday, so no need for the administrative bother of taking leave. Applications for honor and then hopefully flying off to Aussie in Feb 2017. Internship was going to end in mid-Nov, leaving me sufficient time to tie up loose ends and prep for my leave.

Everything is planned until next year. So for that I am at peace. I guess being overly anxious about the future does lead to pretty awesome planning skills, if I do say so myself. I'm still trying to let go of my need for control though. Although what you just read might seem pretty ironic with respects to that previous declaration, I must clarify that what I need to let go of is my need for control, not order. I feel that being overly perfectionistic in my own life might lead to me displacing some of these high expectations on the people around me. Especially those I love. And it makes me sad to do that, because I realised it's not fair to demand high standards from everyone and everything. I used to get irritated when people couldn't meet that expectations, but after studying psychology, I really feel like I grew as a person. Some people might make the claim that psychology is 'commonsense'. Well, psychology is the study of people, and people being people, of course understand people to some extent. There are so much more that psychology offers that is being taken for granted. But that is tangential to the point I'm making. Studying psychology really makes me mindful to viewing things from other's perspective. Empathy and genuineness are two of the most difficult things to teach. Studying psyc has led me to (some extent) learn to calm down, take a step backwards and examine the whole situations by being in someone else's shoes.

It's a pretty irritating skill to have, because I realised I can't remain mad at someone forever because I'll know why they are behaving the way they are. I've been keeping a lot of my deeper feelings to myself because I'm afraid that I might hurt those around me. But I'm working towards changing my attitudes on lots of things in my life, via CBT. The first step towards being a great psychologist is to get rid of one's excess baggage first. And I will get there.

New Chapter

10.05.16

Today marks the day of my final examinations. Like FINAL examinations. For my BSc Psychology degree, anyway. I have unofficially graduated from UOW.

The past 3 years have been filled with such eye opening and inspiring experiences. I can say that I probably learnt more in the past 3 years than I did half my life. When I first entered UOW/SIM I felt really crestfallen as the reason I was in here and not NUS or NTU was because I didn't do well for A levels. Having excelled in my studies since primary school, it was a huge blow to my ego. I made a decision that most people wouldn't have in my case - I decided to go to private university and study what I love, instead of settle for any course in local university. After all, your uni course mostly decides your career path, right?

Studying what I love brought back the motivation I needed to get back on the academic bandwagon I fell off. I worked hard and played hard. I met amazing people and some not-so-amazing ones. I lost people from my life, purged people from my life and accepted people I never thought I would give a place in my world. I learnt so much about taking chances, taking risks and embracing failure. I celebrated success, grew more as a person, and stepped out of my comfort zone. Not everyone gets to have a permanent class in uni for 3 years, but I did. Our small cohort led to us having a cozy and familiar social setting to greet our day with. Even though I did not interact too much with every single member of my class, I truly appreciated their role, no matter small or big, they had to play on my personal development.

Today is the day I leave SIM. I originally thought that I wouldn't be upset graduating, as my course requires I pursue postgraduate for at least another 3 years before I can practise psychology. But it does leave a sting on my heart that my time here is up. 3 beautiful, crazy and magical years. I am truly honoured to have been a part of this experience, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thank you SIM, for being a significant milestone in my life.

Little Lessons on Happiness

Anyone who knows me well enough will know that I have an issue with control. I have a constant need to be in control all the time. Throw in a load of perfectionism and you get someone who expects maybe just a little too much of others. Anywho, after years of battling being upset/disappointed by people, I've discovered some little tips that might just be the path towards self happiness.

1. Recognise that happiness is a product of one's mentality
Happiness is abstract. There is no universal criteria for happiness, it stems from how much one values something/someone. My lecturer once told me something that stuck with me for life "we are responsible for our own distress". This explains why some people are exceptionally affected over an event, while others experiencing the same issue can remain calm and collected. So keep calming yourself, reassure yourself and know that your happiness isn't in anyone's control but yours.

2. Do one thing at a time
In a world where efficiency and speed expected for many jobs/life in general, trying to do everything at once might lead to you getting nothing done at all. Having too many things going on at the same time can lead to unnecessary mental stress, which takes a toll on your happiness without offering any productivity. This is something I'm guilty of often. I have so much to do that trying to do everything at once exacerbates my stress tenfold. Currently, I am opening the facebook tabs necessary for recruitment, planning my study schedule, researching potential living areas in Australia, and trying to do my online assignments all at once. This isn't very productive right now.

3. Lower your expectations
Ok so I'm the queen of having expectations. Especially for people I care about. But people can't always live up to your standards, and it's unfair on both you and the ones you love to have to live by a benchmark. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself of point number 1 when you find yourself mulling over this.

4. Go have fun
Positivity is a product of your surroundings. Being in a negative environment will unconsciously have an effect on your mentality, causing you to feel more depressed than you actually are. Surround yourself with positive people, positive vibes and positive energy! Go out, get some fresh air and sunlight, and have a blast. Whenever I've been feeling pent up and stressed, a night out with my friends or a date night will always bring my mood up!

Whirlwind in my head

Have you ever been so wrapped up in thinking, that you feel a tornado forming in your brain? When you start with one innocent thought and it just spirals out of control. Your brain is reacting so quickly and forming new opinions and images that you just can't keep it in order anymore. One thought leads to the next and BAM it's like Kansas during tornado season.

This has been a rest week for me. It has been pretty nice, having a break from the stressful life. This year has been pretty ok so far, not the successful one that I hoped I would have but hey, instant gratification can't be expected for long term plans, can it?

I haven't been extremely successful at what I was aiming for, and it kinda bummed me out. I haven't been known to take rejection well. In fact, I take it to the opposite of well. Been trying to change my perspective on rejection but baby steps. Just crossing my fingers that everything will work out for the better.

There are so many things in my mind now, I can't keep up with them. Been meaning to write them down here but I haven't had the time and space to do so. Till later on.