HTHTher p.1

It's December 2018.

I've been meaning to write something about this, but I never got around to it. I told you that I write a love story for every guy I've loved. Now that our chapter's closed, it's about time I force myself to write probably the most difficult love story I've ever written.

The thought are just flooding my head right now. When it all ended, I contemplated on the best way to pen my thoughts down. I couldn't. I don't even know if I'm writing it the way I planned on writing.

I remember the very first fight we had. We were straddling that awkward stage between certain people knowing we were dating but we weren't official yet so not everyone knows. You've been single for a while now, and I just got out of a relationship. It was difficult to choose the time we let people know, maybe because at that time we didn't even know if we knew.

Revo had a gathering at your place. It was hotpot, I remember. Sarah was just about to fly off to UK for the first time, so that must've been sometime in August or September 2014. I asked you if I was coming to the gathering. You said that it wasn't a good idea because revo wasn't having plus ones. And at that time, I wasn't your official plus one yet. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling really bummed out that you were having a gathering at your place with our friends and I wasn't invited, because those people knew we were kinda starting something then. But I shrugged it off, since it was a revo thing anyway. So I went out with Roz and Sarah and we went to eat songfa bakkuteh. During the outing, I received a text from Steph. She asked if I was going for the gathering, because she was. At that moment I felt hot rage, that you said no plus ones were going, and she was Edwin's (then) plus one. I remember being so upset and telling her I wasn't invited, and the girls asked you about it. You texted me and asked me to come, but I was out and you knew I was upset. I ignored your texts. It was quite apparent that I was upset during the outing. I felt like crying cause I felt like I wasn't important enough to be shown to our mutual friends whom already knew we were seeing each other. You apologised, and kept persuading me to come, saying you'll leave food for me and take care of me. I ignored the texts.

Trudging home, emotionally and physically exhausted, I saw your car parked at the handicapped area near my place. That was always the place you parked at when you drove me home and picked me up. I loved how you drove me around, especially after dance trainings, or when we would go out for supper. One of my fondest memory of you driving me around was when we went for the illuminate beach party together (that pic of us there was your phone screen wallpaper for some time), and you drove me there cause you were worried that it would be difficult to get a cab home. So you stayed sober and spent over $70 on drinks for Joanne and I and I got so fucking wild at that party. You took care of me then anyway and didn't want to take my money the next day. I digress. Your car was parked at our usual spot and I spotted you from a distance away. You'd ask everyone to leave your house early and came to my place to wait for me because you felt bad. Honestly, that was something I didn't expect because I wasn't your girlfriend then and you cared so much about my feelings that you ended a party at your place early to rush down to make sure I was ok. We talked it out that night, and we were indeed, more than ok.

TBC

2017.

Wow it's been 8 months since my previous post.

2017 flew by in the blink of an eye.
I decided to take a look at what I posted before today and couldn't even remember the content of my previous posts. The post below this made me recall how upset I was when I first got to Wollongong. Leaving my cushy life in Singapore, becoming a minority in a foreign country and leaving my close friends is possibly the biggest step out of my comfort zone to date.

Upon reflection, 2017 has been a pretty terrific year.

I took great ownership of my thesis, and got a HD!
I wrote most of it on medication, and I was super ill at the time of submission so thank God that I pulled through with that grade.
I missed first class honours by 2 marks. That was a major bummer, but I realised that people could still get into postgrad with 2UC, so that's not too bad.
The lack of a scholarship sucks though.

I tried so many new things this year.
Went on so many road trips.
Syd/Blue Mountains/Wgong with Weiting and Bry
Melb/Syd with Jo and Bao
Syd/Tas/Wgong with HT
Canberra with Singapeople on voting day (which turned out to be a walkover, but still, cause for a celebration)
Around Wgong/NSW with Bry's parents + BYSH
Drove down to Melb with BYSH and found the joy of minigolf + laser tag (GUESS WHO WON BOTH GAMES) and archery and a lot a lot more mini golf

You know shit's about to get down when the bet for a hole-in-one is a hungry jack's hashbrown (and sher somehow won 4 hashbrowns when she lost the game)
Cheered like crazy and had so so much fun with mini golf, people would think we won a gold medal at the olympics (wait, do they even have golf in the olympics? idts actually)

Loved friends that came into my life
Some friends that I loved made me realise that not everyone is as trustworthy as I give them credit for, and sometimes we gotta let them out of our lives
I learnt what a great country Singapore is, and how I am so fortunate to have such a good life
I learnt to TRULY appreciate the great friends I have, and how some relationships I will treasure till my last breath
I learnt how to write academically, to be organised and to be my own boss

To accept challenges out of my comfort zone
Although it didnt come to fruition, I accepted a temp role as a dance instructor for a dance group in UOW
First time choreographing and prepping to teach. Shame it didn't end up happening since classes were cancelled
Listened to 你好不好 A LOT

Point is, I learnt a lot from this year
I formed my own thesis topic
I did the recruitment all on my own
I wrote a fucking 12k+ thesis and got a HD wtf still can't believe it
I went to raves
Met people I never thought I would meet
Moved out and became the last Singaporean to remain in aussie for now
Partied in Sydney and Melb (OMG ALUMBRA WAS SOOO GOOD)
Leant to roll
Presented my thesis poster in front of academics
Got an RA job (the first post-honours Singaporean to get a job here altho I'm hardly getting paid enough to fund my expenses so fucking stupid)
Depleting my savings in sg
Hung out with people (a lot)
Hosted a party (kinda)
Never embraced my singaporean/Chinese roots so much
Gained so much weight cb but I still feel beautiful so ok la but can lose some weight if I try

I'm not doing living overseas.
Honours has ended but I have so much of my life ahead of me
Can't wait to see what the future has in store for me

Ozventures

It's been almost 3 months since I've been in oz.

I'm so thankful that I get along with the people I travelled here with.
I'm thankful for doing well in my first assignment, the most nerve-wrecking one I get submitted.

I'm pretty ahead with my thesis, and it's going great. I feel like a true researcher, gathering my data and testing participants.
I struggled a little with coming to terms with my new life, forming new social circles and balancing my academic and personal time.

#heatherinOZ

So it's been 2 weeks since I've been in Wollongong.

I must say that I've probably learnt more about myself in these 2 weeks than I did the whole of last year.

I learnt that I can miss people, miss home, and be strong enough to want to stay here rather than escape home.
I learnt that I can actually be independent, living on my own.
I learnt that I can fend for myself, to make my own adult decisions.
I learnt that I can manage my time well, balancing settling into a new place, forming new social circles, and achieving my learning goals.
I learnt what it's like to walk in the shoes of someone belonging to a minority race. Being a chinese living in Singapore, I never had faced discrimination of any sort. In Australia, on my first couple of days here, we already experienced, albeit to a minor extent, what it feels like to be on the outside looking in.

I learnt the joys of cooking. I experienced the satisfaction of preparing your own meals. I have never washed so many dishes in my life before, and wow it feels pretty darn good to feel like a fully functioning adults.
I learnt that I am so much stronger mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I would be. I got this. And I regret nothing. I'll make it through the year.
I learnt that there are so many smart and brilliant people in Honours year, and I'm so psyched to learn from them.
I learnt that Honours isn't a competition.
I learnt that no matter how much you think you know, there's always something to be learnt from everyone.
I learnt that insecurities that plagued me a year or two ago, has been unconsciously overcome and now no longer bother me.

I learnt that as much as you grow past old insecurities, new ones will always surface. But that's okay, because like the ones I overgrew, I will evolve past these new ones in time to come.

I learnt that it's perfectly okay to be afraid of what the future entails. If you ask the 18 year old me if I would ever be pursuing my studies overseas, I wouldn't have said yes. And I'm such an avid planner, I planned my education and career path since I was 16. It didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to, but I loved every experience I had so far. And I learnt so much from people I never thought I would have the chance to meet.

I learnt that it's okay to step out of my comfort zone. I've always been on the safe side, doing what I normally do. But doing something totally new on my own, such as going for a new genre of dance by myself in a city where I hardly know anyone, might make me a little uncomfortable initially. But I will always grow and adapt, and these new experiences will uniquely change the way I see the world.

I learnt that it is fine to say no to yourself. To not set expectations based on people's experiences or experiences I view from movies or shows. To be flexible, adaptable, and make my own experience unique.

I learnt that I survive. There are times when I thought I wouldn't get past an issue, or a daunting experience, but I always do.
And I learn that I make my own year, and I'm going to have a great one.

Goodbye 2016

2016 passed by in the blink of an eye.

I felt like I made so many major decisions this year. It was the year I truly felt like a grown up. I'll be leaving for Aussie in 1.5 months to study for about 9.5 months. I can't believe this is happening. It has always been my dream to study overseas and now I finally get to achieve it, while studying something I truly care about :') I'm so grateful for this opportunity and everyone who supports me through it.

I recently just planned a vacation to Bali. It was the first trip I planned myself and it was pretty exciting being in control. I'm feeling a little anxious leaving sg to be by myself overseas. even though i know people going, it's still pretty nerve wrecking, being in an unfamiliar environment on my own.

Growth

Within the blink of an eye, there's only 1.5 more months till 2017. 2016 has flew past immensely fast. Since my graduation from university in May, things have been super hectic.

I finished my 5+ month internship with E_ School. It's a special needs school for children with autism between the ages of 7-18. It was probably the most memorable job I ever had. I've always loved teaching, and always loved children. Initially, it was a bit of a culture shock seeing everything I know about mainstream school transform before my eyes. Teachers had their recesses with their students, they sat in their classes and had to ask for permission for everything to teach them social skills. They learnt social interactions in class, followed a customised schedule that catered to their individual needs and were disciplined/taught by their teachers according to their interests. The teachers put such deep thought and effort into educating their students, and that really inspired me. The children are also the most loving, sweet and sensitive children I have ever encountered. A big part of dealing with moderate to severe autistic children is that they seldomly have the capacity to lie. This makes them take everything almost literally, one of the most endearing characteristics I love about them. They speak without filter, and their love for you is genuine. Seeing some of the children upset when I told them I was leaving deeply moved me. I know for sure that they will truly miss me, the way I will miss them dearly. I have learnt so much from my time here. I learnt to be flexible, disciplined, observant and adaptable. I learnt how to specially connected with each unique individual, to help them in the ways I can and to see their growth. I teared during the AGC, seeing the students graduate and the others move up a level. It's only been 3 days since I stopped work but I already miss them terribly. I might go back there to work after my honours.

I myself am a rather rigid person. I don't deal well with major changes and hate hate haaaaate a lack of structure. Ever since graduating, structure has hardly been present in my life. The sky's the limit and the world is your oyster. Anything is possible now, but I start to question what I really want. I have always been a planner, an avid one at that. I planned to go for honours in uow, to come back to singapore and do masters in clinical psychology at either jcu or nus. To work in a psychology clinic, get married, have children and start lecturing part time in sim. After what I have experienced in E_, I struggle to find what I wanted to be what I really want. It's gonna take me a while to figure it out. But I have always had.

October Reflections

Today is one of the rare days I have nothing on. It's been a very long time (apart from the 2 days I was on MC because I was sick) that I can just relax at home with no agenda. Watched HTGAWM and the new episodes of Criminal Minds' 12th season. I had been a huge fan of CM for about 2 years and have always felt a personal connection to the characters of the shows I watch. Aaron Hotchner, the lead character of the profiling team has been fired due to an altercation with one of the crew members and he has been written off. It was really sad because when other characters leave the show, they dedicate an emotional episode to that person to help the viewers and the team gain closure. I always cry at those episodes because I feel like a dear friend of mine that I've known for a long time is leaving my life. But with Hotchner, they wrote him off without even acknowledging his departure. I guess it must be pretty crappy for the actor himself, being such a icon of CM.

I guess the difference between Hotchner's departure and the rest was that the former was fired while the rest left on their own accord to pursue other things. It gave me a revelation that everything you do at work, no matter how trivial you regard it to be, really can have a huge impact on how others view you as a person. I mean, that's something that is pretty common knowledge, but we don't really see the greater repercussions of it until we experience it for ourselves. When I work I have a rather lassez-faire attitude towards it, especially when I'm working at an intern level. Since interns hardly get any work benefits, good pay or recognition, I've never been one to really give it my all. My current internship though, I do give my all. Maybe I've matured, maybe I've found the job to be something that suits my calling, I can't seem to quite put my finger on it. A recent talk with my bf about work attitudes really inspired me to give it my all in everything I do, no matter how insignificant it might be with regards to helping me in my career. I have to be more mindful in keeping this in the back of my mind, especially because one of my biggest fears is to not hold down a job like my father hasn't been able to do. I really worry if I'll be as terrible a worker as I have been led to think that he is.

Some people say we are a reflection of our parents. I do agree to this to some extent, I just hope that I'll be able to gain their strengths and overcome their weaknesses. I get the trait of being easily affected by my external surroundings and brooding over the past from my mother. While it has helped me be more understanding and empathetic towards people, a skill necessary in my industry, I do hope that I can learn to let go of things and become more emotionally independent. The past 3.5 years have been such huge learning curves for me. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing a lot more, meeting new people or just part of my development period. There are so many thoughts clouding my mind everyday that it's difficult to truly pinpoint what's happening to my emotional and mental development despite the constant self reflection. But it's an incredible learning journey and I can feel myself getting better everyday. Although certain parts of the day make me feel down or insecure, I take comfort in knowing that I can only get better.

One of the most comforting and empowering mantras I've been thought during the period of my life I thought all hope was lost, "Everyday in every way, I'm getting better and better."

To anyone feeling somewhat lost in their journey, and to anyone who wishes to improve yourself, chant this mantra to yourself 10 times before you sleep. It might appear silly, but boy does it sure work. Just have faith.